


Connie Swap Episode 17: Steven's Picnic Delivery Service

by br42, BurdenKing, MjStudioArts



Series: Connie Swap [17]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Anxiety, Art, Deaf, Deaf Character, Drama, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Momswap, Pictures, Platonic Romance, Romance, Slice of Life, Steven Universe AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-10
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-02 22:09:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 26,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13327380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/br42/pseuds/br42, https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurdenKing/pseuds/BurdenKing, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MjStudioArts/pseuds/MjStudioArts
Summary: There's been too much crazy magical destiny business going on lately and Connie needs a break. Steven hopes to give her that with a nice, quiet day without magical shenanigans, starting with a picnic. What could go wrong?





	1. Picnic Nitpick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: MJStudioArts' computer went to [Silicon Heaven](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Silicon_Heaven) at an inopportune time, taking the finished version of the in-chapter pic with it. For now we have an early doodle of the pic posted instead, because it's still cute and better than just placeholder text. We'll post an update in AO3 and Discord when the finished art is recovered/redrawn.

\---May 29th---

Connie woke to silence.

Living close to the beach, what Connie had considered silence involved quite a bit of background noise. Living with Lapis, Peridot, Jasper, and a cadre of ersatz robonoids, it often involved quite a bit of foreground noise as well.

This, however, was _Silence_.

For one confused moment, Connie was utterly baffled by this surreal experience. Given the number of times something surprising had preceded an altercation with a gem monster, given the lifetime of training that had made her reflexively wary of the unexpected, Connie felt a surge of adrenaline, sleepiness banished as her fight-or-flight instincts engaged.

Connie leapt to her feet, trying to assume a defensive combat stance... only to find her ankles tangled up in her covers. She wobbled then windmilled her arms trying and failing to stabilize.

She landed on her bed in an unceremonious heap. It was only when she registered that her mid-fall cry of alarm had been felt rather than heard that she remembered.

 _Oh. Right._ She extricated herself from her ensnaring sheets. _Riiight._

Rising to her feet more steadily this time, she saw an empty Beach House. _At least no one noticed me greet the day with a pratfall,_ she thought.

She was about to start down the loft stairs when a blinking light in her peripheral vision caught her attention: her bedside alarm clock was flashing. She'd overslept by more than an hour, the device's shrill alert going unheeded. The only reason it hadn't vibrated off the edge of her nightstand entirely was because the power cord had run out of slack.

Not that she minded the rest --yesterday had been profoundly draining before _and_ after she'd traded hearing abilities with Steven-- but it rankled having the decision to sleep in taken from her.

Grabbing her phone and quieting the alarm ( _for want of a better term_ ), Connie headed down from the loft, the creak of that one step heard only in her head as her mind started to invent sounds to fill the uncanny silence. Sitting on a barstool, she unlocked her phone and texted Steven, asking to push back the shared breakfast they'd scheduled by a bit.

Her stomach voiced its disapproval of the plan and Connie shushed it, the entire exchange heard by no one.

* * *

Connie raised the shield to chest height, her field of view going amber-colored. The training exoskeleton's sudden strike hammered into the circular field surrounding her mother's shield. Rather than deflecting the blow aside to open her opponent to counterattack, Connie was knocked back a few paces, her shield arm stinging from the force of impact.

When Doris piloted the bear-shaped exoskeleton (made from the castoff animatronics of a defunct pizza restaurant), the robonoid reveled in its newfound size and strength and was thus aggressive to the point of recklessness. Blows were numerous but telegraphed.

Connie shook her head and attempted to steady herself, trying and failing to recall what her original strategy had been. Since she couldn’t power the shield while wearing her power sink, her hair was frizzing out and straining against the hair ties containing it. Another sudden strike clipped the side of the shield hard enough to spin her around. The follow-up blow caught her in the middle of her back, sending her, her training saber, and her magical heirloom shield toppling to the floor. Her ego was at least as bruised as her arms and knees from the fall. 

Gort, the current pilot, was pretty much Doris’ opposite. It'd stand stock still until making sudden, efficient strikes, no movement wasted when attacking or defending. In previous spars, she'd come to rely on the split-second whine of the exoskeleton's servos to alert her to the impending attack.

 _So much for that,_ she thought bitterly, her face close enough to the floor to trace individual lines in the wood-grain.

Connie had always drawn a great deal of pride from her swordsmanship: she may not know how to summon her sword, but she knew how to fight with one. Though she’d originally been ecstatic to incorporate her mother’s shield into her training, she’d found herself perpetually on the wrong foot since she had. Attacking just made sense --even a fighting retreat was still a fight-- and whatever talent she possessed apparently didn't extend to the offensive-defensive mix being demanded of her.

Though not being able to hear certainly didn’t help.

Connie toggled the shield off so that the yellow lip of force didn't impede her standing back up. Feeling a frustrated growl in the back of her throat, she rose to her feet. "Rra! Jasper I-" Her sentence died in her throat as she saw the warrior pacing back and forth, fists clenched and agitated. 

The wreckage of a large writing pad and the easel it'd been situated on littered the ground nearby. Looking at the two halves of the pad on the floor, Connie could just make out the words, 'wrong angle' and 'awareness' scrawled in large, black letters. That last word had been underlined five times, each subsequent line drawn more angrily than the one before.

* * *

\---May 30th---

Connie's phone buzzed impatiently at her. She gritted her teeth and walked faster. Mercifully, the phone went still. Connie didn't need to look at the screen because she knew what it said: _Missed Call from: Dad_.

As Connie stepped onto the boardwalk, there was another buzz in her pocket which caused her to pull out the phone and shout at it, "I know!"

Realizing she'd said that out loud, she looked around frantically, her cheeks flushing with preemptive embarrassment. A man with an eyepatch and a briefcase gave her a lingering, monocular stare before crossing to the other side of the boardwalk and continuing on his way.

Connie ducked her head low and double timed it, hiding her face behind her phone. _Oh, it was just buzzing because he left a voicemail... Not that that's any more accessible._

Steven was waiting for her outside Fish Stew Pizza. She gave him a thin smile and ducked inside as soon as he'd opened the door.

* * *

Connie drank deep from her glass of lemonade, allowing the tart beverage to wash away some of her anxiety.

In the corner of the restaurant, Onion sat with who Connie assumed was his mother, the casually dressed blonde woman eating pizza and talking to her son. The boy, however, was neither speaking nor eating, instead fixing Connie with a long, unblinking stare. For some reason, his face was covered with lines of red, black, and brown war paint.

Connie broke eye contact and drained the rest of her drink.

Steven slid her phone across the table to her. "[Your dad said that he had to spend the next couple days in Empire City on business but he wanted to schedule a-]" He paused as he tried to sign the unfamiliar word, "[Mahes-war council with you.]"

Connie nodded, drawing up the last bits of lemonade with her straw, her mind supplying the empty drink sound her ears couldn't.

Steven looked at her, fingers flitting once more. "[Do you want me to call him back and let him know why you didn't answer?]"

Peridot's scan that morning had shown no meaningful changes with her ears. The technician had couched her (written) response in a number of optimistic and qualifying terms, but her expression on seeing the results had told Connie the truth: whatever this was, it wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.

Connie shook her head and lifted her phone, composing a text to her dad. "No. I'll tell him about it when he gets back. He'd probably rush home today if you told him the situation and-" She blew out a breath before continuing, "I'll be just as deaf when he gets back as I am now."

With a tap, a text saying she hadn't been able to hear the speaker in her phone and that Peridot was looking for a solution was sent out; careful use of the passive voice allowed the message to remain technically true while implying it was just an issue with her phone. The follow-up text scheduled the father-daughter meeting for the evening after he returned from business.

Jenny Pizza sauntered over with her perennial grin. Today it was set to 'good-natured smirk.' "Hey you two. Today ??? ??? ??? pepperoni with ???." 

_Man, lip reading really is tougher than I thought it’d be. It’s not just the gems who are hard to follow._ Connie was going to turn to wiggle her ears at Steven for help but he was already signing. "[-special today is pepperoni with gumbo.]"

Before Connie could respond, though, Jenny and Steven both looked at the ceiling in surprise. A beat later Jenny gave a cheer and made an excited hop while Steven's grin threatened to split his face.

"[Sour Cream is on the radio! They're playing that secret song I helped him record! This is amazing!]" he signed almost too quickly for Connie to follow.

There was a point where everyone in the restaurant (as well as some of the glassware) shuddered, the bass having dropped so hard that Connie felt it even if she couldn't hear it. This was followed by Jenny saying what Connie thought was, "That's my boy!" before she and Steven had another excited round of squeeing.

It was about a minute into the song when the blonde lady in the corner stood up so abruptly her chair fell over backwards. Her expression was stormy, her fair skin flushed with anger. She stomped out of the restaurant. This prompted Jenny's father to run out from behind the register and give chase, Connie catching what she thought was the word "bill" on his lips.

A moment later Onion slid down from his seat, casually knocked over his chair, and then unhurriedly padded after his mom.

Once the restaurant door had swung shut, Steven, less enthusiastic than he’d been a moment ago, signed as he spoke to Jenny. "[We'll take a pepperoni pizza, half pineapple, half mushrooms please.]"

"To go," added Connie already fishing out some bills, her limit for self-consciousness in public having been more than met.

* * *

\---May 31st---

Connie was sitting on a bar stool staring out the window, eating her cereal and trying to ignore the sound of imaginary water rushing through pipes. Her auditory hallucinations were being particularly persistent today.

Last night she had tried on Peridot's first attempt at building hearing aids for her. They'd fit well enough but as soon as she'd turned them on... nothing. After twenty minutes of fiddling and charades, Peridot had examined the hearing aids themselves and determined something was broken. She'd been almost overly apologetic, promising to build a new, working pair for Connie soon. Thinking back on some of the things Steven and Doug had said leading up to her and Peridot's reconciliation, Connie had given the technician a surprise hug and thanked her, earnestly, for trying so hard on her behalf.

It was hard not to lash out at the gems when she was frustrated with her situation, but Connie was trying to be patient.

Something hard gripped her shoulder prompting her to cry out. Dropping her spoon into her bowl with a splash, she swiveled around and slapped the floating digits away with the open palm strike Jasper had trained her to use in this situation.

She'd had another rude awakening that morning and apparently the adrenaline hadn't completely left her system.

Connie saw wide eyes staring at her behind yellow-tinted glasses. She then saw the inside of her palm as she buried her face in embarrassment, her other hand reaching out to stabilize her against the countertop. _So much for not lashing out._ A moment later she mumbled, "Sorry," and lifted her head to face the guardian she'd flipped out on.

This time it was Connie's chance to be surprised. For some reason, Peridot was wearing lipstick. Thick, red lipstick that encircled the technician's mouth by a good half-inch on all sides, like she were a clown who’d been interrupted midway through painting her face. It clashed achingly with her green skin, making Connie feel slightly queasy looking at it.

Peridot gave a weak smile highlighted cherry. Then, with deliberately large, slow enunciation, she said, "Good morning, dear. I ??? your ??? ??? ???."

Connie was still too stunned to respond so Peridot pressed on. "I wanted to ??? ??? that Jasper, Lapis, and I will be ??? ??? an ??? today. Meals are ??? ??? ??? refrigeration unit ??? ??? ??? ??? via ??? whistle and ??? ???."

Connie shook her head, the afterimage of the lipstick still visible when she closed her eyes. "Ma'am, uh, before I ask you to repeat that... What's with the lipstick?"

Lapis, who had flitted over the kitchen divider and was filling up a canteen, turned to look at Peridot and then promptly pointed and laughed uproariously. The canteen was forgotten in the sink, the tap still running, as Lapis pounded the counter.

Jasper ( _Because apparently everyone was busy behind me and I never noticed_ ) stopped what she was doing near the warp pad and walked over, leaning in on the far kitchen counter to see what the excitement was about. When she did see, one eyebrow went up and then, as though it had told the other what it was missing, the second followed.

Peridot blanched at the attention for a moment, her cheeks flushing, before she drew herself up straight, her expression as dignified as someone wearing half a tube of lipstick could have. "I'm ??? ??? heighten ??? visual contrast so Connie ??? ??? ??? read my lips. We should all ??? ??? better communicate ??? Connie however ??? ??? ??? and ??? not be embarrassed ??? ??? ??? goal."

Lapis said something, her face still partially buried in the crook of her elbow as she guffawed, which apparently Jasper found funny and Peridot found scandalizing. The Green gem sputtered and stammered, her blush deepening which only served to make the clash of colors worse. 

She then brusquely turned away from Lapis and faced Connie. "Has ??? ??? proven helpful, dear?" Peridot gave Connie a hopeful and garish smile.

Connie scratched the back of her neck. "Umm, not especially, ma'am." Silently she added, _If anything, it makes it even harder to focus on what you're saying._

This was met with the frown of a sad clown. With a huff, Peridot pulled up a hologram and began typing efficiently with one set of floating fingers. Another set engaged what Connie recognized as 'squeegee mode' and began removing the offending color from Peridot's face, the digits involved quickly looking like tiny, cherry-red paint rollers.

A sheet of tractor-feed paper was extruded from a limb enhancer, which Peridot tore free and handed over to Connie. The girl read the sheet, brows furrowing and then jumping up. "Wait, you guys are going on a mission without me?!"

Connie felt her chest tighten up. Ever since December of last year when she and the gems had bubbled the ice castle gem, she'd gone with the others into the field. She'd missed some missions now and then, but that had always been because they were somewhere inhospitable or because she had a schedule conflict.

Peridot, with only a vestige of red remaining, frowned and began to pace. "I'm sorry, dear, but-" she turned, facing away from Connie while she walked across the living room. Turning back Connie could make out, "-condition ??? ??? feel you, no, ??? of us, ??? ??? ??? time to adjust before ??? ??? the field."

"I can't tell what you're saying when you turn away from me," barked Connie. "I can barely tell when you aren't."

Peridot opened her mouth, likely to apologize, when Jasper muscled past and thrust a sheet of paper into Connie's hand. It read, _No dangerous missions until you're fixed._

Like the blow she’d received from Gort that had sent her toppling to the floor, Connie’s mind just kind of stalled out as she finished the sentence.

Connie blinked. She'd just slid on her coral-colored sneakers and was tying the laces. Her mind had been reeling from the gems' decision, leaving her body operating without it... which, honestly, didn't seem all that impeded by its absence.

A pair of floating fingers carried a sheet of printer paper into Connie's view. Ears and cheeks still burning with indignation, something a nagging part of her insisted was more than a little unfair, Connie finished with her shoes and shoved the paper brusquely aside.

Looking up she saw Peridot standing at the sink wringing the red out of a floating finger while Lapis clipped her telescoping hammer to her shorts and Jasper stood by the warp pad. All three of her guardians were staring at Connie with varying degrees of sympathy.

"Fine! I get it! Have a good mission without me," said Connie, her frustration bulling that reasonable corner of her mind aside. Buckling on the saber and scabbard that hung beside the door (a habit she’d gotten into when going out ever since bee monsters had crashed the Universe family’s beach party), she turned and said, "I had plans anyway!” This wasn’t the least bit true, but the words tumbled out all the same. “Who needs some crumby mission when-"

She flung the door open and was surprised to see Steven standing there wearing his novelty backpack, one hand holding a picnic basket and the other poised to knock. His expression was that of a deer caught suddenly in headlights.

Recapturing her momentum, Connie stepped forward and laced her arm through Steven's as though he were a gentleman caller. "-when you're going out for a nice picnic instead!"

With an insistent tug, Connie dragged Steven into step beside her, her less-than-righteous indignation sustaining her long enough for the pair to get out of sight of the gems.

* * *

Connie was fidgeting with the her power sink as the pair walked away from the Beach House, the device transitioning colors faster than normal. "Sorry about, uh, ambushing you like that. And unilaterally saying what we were doing. That... that was mostly Angry Connie Theater for the gems. We can stop and talk about what you actually came over for." Chagrined she took the picnic basket from Steven's grasp and added, "But whatever it was, thank you for being there. Your timing was perfect." She ended with a weak but sincere smile.

Steven still looked a little off-balance but he could always be counted on to return a smile in-kind. With Connie holding the basket, his hands were free to sign back his response. "[I was going to take you on a surprise picnic, if you wanted to. I thought we could find a nice spot in the forest this time, that way we could drop some snacks off for Wolf too,]" and he jostled the cheeseburger on his back for emphasis, "[and because in the woods there's no pizza specials or music you can't hear, and less chance of destiny business showing up than staying at the Beach House. I even got some fancy sausage and cheese that we can cut up and stack on crackers to make little sandwiches. The crackers aren't exactly fancy but they are called Ritz which I think means 'fancy' so it kinda works, oh, but I forgot to bring a knife so maybe we need to stop at my house first.]"

Connie's smile grew as Steven signed, meeting the boy with a genuine grin by the end. Reaching down and sliding the first inch of her saber out of its sheath, she said, "I think we'll be able to make do."

Equilibrium restored between the pair, Steven smiled back and signed, "[Great! Then, my lady, permit me to escort you to your forested retreat.]" He held up his arm as though he were a gentleman caller, which Connie took a bit more gently than back on the Beach House's deck.

The two strolled arm-in-arm across the sand and past the Big Donut.

* * *

"-ust having a really frustrating time of it. Missing my alarm, missing phone calls, missing missions..." Connie trailed off as the pair turned off the road and followed the narrow trail to where they had secretly for months been leaving treats for Wolf.

It wasn't until Steven lightly touched her shoulder that she realized he'd been unable to reply when they were forced to walk single file. _I guess Peridot isn't the only one who forgets about that sort of thing,_ she thought, feeling a little more charitable toward the gems she'd stormed away from in frustration.

Connie reached up and gave his hand an acknowledging squeeze and then, once they entered the clearing, she stepped aside and gave him her undivided attention. Despite his insistence that a gentleman should carry the picnic basket, she held it still. After all, she'd replied, a gentleman should communicate clearly and that was easier if his hands were free.

"[There have been times when I lost or broke my ears before and had to go awhile without them. It's frustrating, and that's when my parents and some of my friends knew sign language.]” He quirked a sympathetic look at her. “[It'll get easier over time, though, even if the gems' universal translator is, like, an anti-translator for ASL. I can loan you some of my stuff, by the way, if it'll help. Like, there's this little thing I tuck into my pillow that's connected to my alarm clock and it vibrates when it's time to wake up, so I could get up even with no ears in and my eyes closed.]"

Connie was nodding even before he finished signing. _All the YES,_ she thought, adding, _Why don't I think of these things? Or Peridot?_

Steven smiled back, then swung the cheeseburger backpack off his shoulders. Looking around, he set the pack at his feet and signed, "[You think Wolf will ever show up? Do you think he's shy?]" He turned down to rummage through his bag, looking through the layers of cheese, patty, tomato, and lettuce for the food and dog toys he'd brought.

Unbeknownst to Steven, Connie's eyes had gone wide and then her smile, wider. "I dunno, Steven. Why don't you ask him?"

Steven looked up at Connie, confused. He reached up with one hand to adjust his hearing aids, rolling his eyes at himself when his finger brushed his naked ear. Then, following the direction of Connie's eyes, he turned and...

...was face-to-snout with a yellow wolf bigger than some of the gem monsters Connie had told him about.

Steven screamed, falling backwards and scrambling until he bumped into a tree trunk. He said some things that Connie couldn't make out, but the fear and distress on his face was enough for her to figure out the gist of it.

Wolf took another step forward prompting Steven to open his mouth in what could have been a yelp, and then the boy buried his face in his arms, cowering against the trunk that had arrested his retreat.

Wolf, meanwhile lowered his head to give the cheeseburger backpack a thorough sniffing. Batting at the layer of cheese, the yellow canine opened up a gap big enough that he could shove his face into the pack. The first time he tried to remove his head, something snagged on his fur and he lifted the novelty backpack with him. He shook his head and was able to paw the pack loose; it dropped to the ground revealing a bag of jerky in his jaws, Wolf panting happily and drooling on the container. 

He looked at Connie expectantly.

"Hey Steven?" said Connie, torn between comforting her frightened friend and responding to the elusive, magical visitor. "Everything's alright. Wolf just wanted to sniff your backpack. It looks like he really likes the treats your brought him."

Looking like he was peeking through a curly brown shrub, Steven stole a glance at Wolf and then disappeared back into his arms, the hair spilling over his shoulders looking like an earth tone bush. If he said anything, it wasn't with his hands so Connie didn’t catch it.

Connie walked over, turning her attention back to Wolf. "Hi. It's been a long time since I actually saw you." She scratched under Wolf's chin with one hand, while grabbing the (slightly slobbery) back of jerky with the other. Wolf let the bag go and leaned into the scratches.

Expanding the tear Wolf's teeth had already made, Connie opened the bag and dumped the contents on the ground. Wolf looked down so fast he actually bonked Connie's arm away. Connie was able to step back just in time before Wolf descended happily on the pile of dried, seasoned meat, literally wolfing it down and even snacking on some of the leaves that had caught a few falling peppercorns.

Finished, he looked up at Connie, glanced at the treat-laden backpack, and then back at Connie, his tongue lolling out the side of his mouth as he panted in anticipation.

* * *

For a while Connie said some stuff but there was the sound of a big wolf, like _Princess Mononoke_ big, and that meant Steven's world had narrowed down to the inside of his arms, the tightness in his chest, and the animal sounds that made him wish he could curl up like Samus Aran and roll away.

It wasn't until he heard a repeated squeaking sound that he finally raised his head enough to do more than peek through a gap in his hair.

The wolf was lying on its back while Connie used both hands to rub his wide, yellow belly. Meanwhile, a squeaky hot dog appeared out the side of the animal's mouth and he would every now and again give it a chomp, as though deciding whether the squeaking was more or less exciting than the prospect of an oversized hot dog that was actually edible. 

Incidentally, that was the largest squeak toy Steven had been able to find in the pet store, being a full two feet long. It looked normal-sized, even small, in the animal's huge jaws.

As the number of squeaks increased, it seemed like amusement trumped the allure of processed meats. Connie glanced up while giving what looked like a yellow shag carpet a massage, smiled, and said, "Steven! Wolf really" _squeak squeak_ "likes the chew toy you" _squeak_ "brought him. It's" _squeak squeak_ "safe to come over here if" _squeak squeak_ "you want to." _squeak_

Steven met her eyes and realized how he probably looked to her. A combination of embarrassment and a fear very different from the 'going to be eaten by a Miyazaki character' fear he'd felt earlier surged through him. He staggered to his feet and managed a smile more from muscle memory than anything else.

As Steven walked over, Wolf gave another appreciative chew on the toy before dropping it to the ground, rolling over (Connie having to scamper back to give him room to maneuver), and rising to his feet.

Steven's eyes went wide all over again and he once more wished he had the morph ball power-up and a conveniently narrow opening to disappear down.

Wolf sniffed the air, the chew toy, the empty bag of jerky lying on the ground, and then looked at Steven. At some point Connie had walked over and was giving his hand a comforting squeeze, but Steven was only peripherally aware of it. After all, something toothy and huge was looking at him and drooling.

The wolf padded over and Steven both squeezed Connie's hand and squeezed his eyes shut. Hot breath smelling of teriyaki-flavored beef, stinky dog breath, and something faint, almost floral, rushed past his face and arms. Then, a big, warm tongue licked his free hand.

Steven opened his eyes to see Wolf sitting on his haunches. The canine looked over at the squeaky hot dog then back at Steven, then nuzzled his hand. "I think he recognized your smell on the toy and the snacks," supplied Connie. "I don't really speak Wolf, but I think he's saying 'thank you'..." and she trailed off.

Wolf nuzzled Steven's hand once more, going so far as to position his ear in just the right spot so that Steven could give him an ear rub. Ya know, if Steven wanted to.

Steven obliged.

Connie giggled, which helped loosened the tightness in his chest a few notches. "...apparently by letting you scratch his ears," she finished.

Steven managed a smile, a real one. "Lion is kinda the same way, actually." There was no response and it took him a moment to remember why. With one hand engaged in scratching Wolf's noggin and the other holding Connie's hand, he wasn't particularly motivated to attempt to repeat himself through signing.

A minute passed as Wolf extracted ear scratches from Steven, then Connie, then both of them together, his large, yellow tail wagging like one of the swinging obstacles Steven had seen watching a Japanese game show. Then Wolf's head snapped up, his ears perking forward, the animal going completely still. A heartbeat later, Wolf lunged forward, crossing the clearing in an instant and then disappearing into the underbrush.

"Huh. I wonder what that was about?" asked Connie.

Steven shrugged, then turned to face her full on. "[No idea. Maybe he heard a squirrel. Remember those dogs from _Up_?]"

Connie nodded with a chuckle and began to gather up the containers that had previously held snacks and toys for the magical animal. "Well, sir, with this social call completed, shall we be away for our picnicking?" She paused and added, "As fun as it was seeing Wolf, I hope he doesn't show up and think the picnic is for him too. I'm looking forward to it."

"[Really?]" asked Steven as he took the trash from Connie and tucked it between the layers of his backpack.

"Yeah. It's a good idea. Thanks for thinking of me," she said, wiping the dirt and yellow dog hair off her hands and on onto her jeans.

"Oh, no worries there. I think about you all the-" Steven clapped his hands over his mouth once his ears realized what he was saying. Fortunately, Connie had been facing away and hadn't noticed him speaking.

Connie picked up the picnic basket and extended an arm his way. Fighting down his rising blush, he took it and the two headed off deeper into the forest.

They agreed to leave the squeaky hot dog behind for Wolf to come back for.

* * *

"I found the perfect spot," called Connie. She looked over and saw Steven wincing. _Uh, right. Gotta be carefully about that,_ she chided herself.

It was a lovely spot under a large oak tree and the two, at a more careful volume, agreed it was ideal for their picnic. Steven spread out a thick gray blanket while Connie weighed the sides down with rocks. Steven then passed the fancy cheese and sausage, plus a tiny cutting board, over to Connie. While she concentrated on that, Steven shook up a pair of instant ice packs and placed them in a bowl. A pair of juice boxes quickly followed, moisture soon beading on their surface.

While she was making careful, slim slices with her saber --while extending her pinkie, "[Because that's what you're supposed to do when preparing fancy food,]" Steven insisted cheekily-- she raised a matter that she'd been wondering about. "What was the deal back at Fish Stew Pizza, by the way?"

Steven looked up from the picnic basket he was rummaging through. "[You mean with Aunt Vidalia?]"

"Yeah, if that's Sour Cream and Onion's..." she trailed off shaking her head. "Sorry, I know that's their names but it still sounds weird saying them together like that. Heck, it sounds weird even when I can't actually hear myself say it. Anyway, if Vidalia's their mom then, yeah." 

Connie used the saber to slide the first dozen cheese and sausage slices onto the plate Steven had provided. Steven set about assembling little cracker sandwiches out of them, pausing long enough to answer her question. "[A little after DJing at the beach party, Sour Cream left home and Vidalia hasn't seen him since.]"

 _Oh, so that's why he wasn't at scary movie night over at Buck's house,_ Connie thought, taking special care to keep her fingers clear of the cutting edge while she sliced.

"[And before that he got a bunch of money and new equipment but he wouldn't tell anyone where. Though he did give me that Super Nintendo Classic, 'for helping me rock the beat.']"

Steven signaled that they had enough for now so she put the rest of the meat and cheese back in their bags, then pulled out a napkin and began getting the worst of the foodstuff off her blade. She'd give it a proper cleaning, with oil, when she got home.

"[So he disappears and Aunt Vidalia came over to talk with mom and dad a couple times but they don't know anything either. And then, yesterday, his special 'Guac Rock' song is playing on the radio, which his mom was not the good kind of surprised to hear. Vidalia stopped by mom and dad's again, but I was mostly hanging out in my room so I didn't really hear what went on.]"

For some reason Steven was looking a little down when he said that last part. Still, her friend shook the mood off and smiled at her, signing, "[Ready to try some fancy cracker-wiches, m'lady?]"

She returned the smile, signing 'yes' with one hand while sheathing her saber with the other. Picking up and 'clinking' together little Ritz sandwiches like they were wine glasses, the pair toasted in Tamil, "Nanraaga saappidunkal!" [Enjoy the meal!]

 _I know Peridot and dad don't really approve of processed meat, but summer sausage is_ really _good,_ thought Connie as she bit into the savory snack. 

A moment later she noticed Steven's hand had drooped, his mini-sandwich untouched. He was looking around, head cocked sideways, and for the second that day he reached to adjust hearing aids that weren't there. Then his eyes went wide and he pointed, shouting... something, his food dropped and forgotten in process.

 _Uh oh, did Wolf actually follow us?_ Connie thought as she swiveled around. _No, not Wolf. Not Wolf at all._

"Bats!" cried Connie, leaping to her feet and drawing her saber in a single fluid motion. A dozen crystal bats, gem pests that were little more than wings with teeth, were flitting their way, preparing to dive bomb them.

In her peripheral vision she saw Steven tug up the picnic blanket, upending quite a bit of the food, and ducking underneath.

The bats made their first pass, clustering into a swarm as they swooped at Connie's face and chest. She leapt sideways, turning midair and swiping with her saber, managing to poof one outright and clip the wing of another. The clipped one flapped drunkenly, colliding with the trunk of the oak tree hard enough to poof. 

Like most minor gem creatures, they left no gemstone behind.

The swarm split up into two clusters of five, attempting to attack her from either side simultaneously. _Drill Two-Zero-Three,_ thought Connie, hearing Jasper's deep voice in her head, _don't get flanked. If you do get flanked, move somewhere where they can't flank you. If that doesn't work, hit one of them hard and relocate to somewhere they can't flank you. Also, don't get flanked._

Backpedaling, she crouched down among some bushes, covered on back and right by foliage. The plants were poky and they'd restrict her mobility, but they'd restrict the bats more.

Sure enough, the swarms reoriented, coming at her from her front and left sides concurrently. Waiting until the last minute, Connie threw herself flat, feeling rather than hearing some of the creatures impacting the undergrowth. Popping back up, Connie was able to dispatch a trio of the pests before they could disentangle themselves from the plants and escape.

 _I just realized…_ she thought, absentmindedly brushing leaves and dirt from the front of her outfit, _I could have done that much more easily with my force fields._

Shaking her head, she watched the remaining seven wing away: two splitting off, readying to make another strafing run, but the rest were holding back. _What are they planning?_ Connie thought.

She didn't have to wonder for long: as soon as the pair committed to their attack, the other five descended on the gray blanket, clawing and biting at the thick fabric.

"Steven!" cried Connie, sprinting forward. She didn't hear Steven scream, couldn't, but a part of her mind supplied the sound of it for her all the same.

Despite having a certain cunning to them, crystal bats weren't actually smart. Connie was able to slice at one in the pair attacking her, severing its wing and leaving it to topple to the forest floor. The other buried itself in her thick hair, thrashing and biting ineffectively. It was distracting, and a distant corner of Connie's mind made a mental note to go back and poof the injured one if it didn't destabilize on impact, but Connie's focus was entirely on the five attacking her Steven.

 _Can't stab; will hit Steven. Kicking and punching is out too._ Connie fretted for a moment at the edge of the picnic blanket, the bat in her hair still flailing about, before the obvious solution occurred to her. 

She snatched up two of the edges of Steven's cover and threw it over the other half, trapping the five bats as well as a plate and a smattering of fancy cracker-wich fixings. Steven shuddered, his face hidden as he was curled up on the ground with his hands covering the back of his neck. She then grabbed the writhing bundle --all the contents falling to the bottom of her ad hoc sack-- stepped back, and swung the whole thing in a wide arc, smacking it against the trunk of the oak tree. Hard.

Winding back, she did this once, twice more, then dropped the contents down and stamped on them. She was pretty sure she'd growled or shouted during the bludgeoning, but she doubted it was anything coherent.

Holding the saber ready, Connie swept back the blanket to find... the pulverized remains of a plate and a smattering of no-longer-fancy cracker-wich fixings.

Situation in control, Connie stepped over and helped Steven to his feet. "Steven! Are you okay?!"

He winced and she was fearful for a second that he'd been hurt, but a moment later she realized she was just being too loud. Again.

"[No, I'm fine,]" he signed before going wide-eyed. "[Connie, you’ve got a thing!]" he added hurriedly, pointing.

 _Huh? Oh, right,_ thought Connie. Reaching up casually, because honestly a gem bat stupidly attacking her hair seemed unimportant right now, she gripped a wing and flung the vermin at the tree. Before it could reorient itself to attack again or flee, Connie dispatched it with a swipe of her saber, scoring a thin line in the tree bark in the process.

"The area is clear of crystal bats," she said, Steven staring at her with his mouth open.

Something nagged at the back of her thoughts for a second before she remembered. Walking across the clearing, she poofed the one-winged crystal bat. She looked back over at Steven, sheathing her saber. "The area is _now_ clear of crystal bats," she corrected.

Steven’s mouth finally closed. A moment later he seemed to remember he had hands he could communicate with. “[That was amazing! You fought them all by yourself?! Oh, you must have because I- Oh, and the whole time I was- You could have been hurt! You’re not hurt are you?!]” Connie gave a quick shake of her head. “[I still can’t believe- Wow, and- But I was-]”

Her friend’s face ran the gamut of amazed, stunned, staggered, and back at least twice before he flopped down on the ground, seemingly reeling from his own tumultuous feelings. Eventually he managed to sign, “[Wow... Great work, Connie.]” This prompted a smile from her which seemed to help his inner turmoil settle, earning a smile back.

A bit later and they were doing their best to clean up the shattered plate fragments --the cracker-wich ruins could be left for the local wildlife-- putting the shards in a spare baggie. “Sorry about the plate, by the way,” apologized Connie as she plucked up a piece she swore had toothy indentions in it.

Steven waved her off. “[It’s no problem. I’m just sorry our picnic was such a bust. I was hoping that by getting away from your house we could get away from some of this magical stuff and give you a destiny break. But if you want, I’ve got plenty packed still so we could try again.]”

He looked around, warily. “[But, maybe somewhere less batty.]”

Connie smiled, picking up the last fragment and sealing up the baggie. In answer she retrieved the picnic basket and offered him her arm once more. “Sure, let’s try again. We’ll find a destiny-free zone eventually.”

* * *

A minute after the pups had departed, Wolf came from his place of hiding in the bushes and gave the clearing a good sniffing.

The yellow pup had protected the treat-bearer with her not-stick. She had even marked her territory on the tree, although in a silly manner that left no scent. Someday Wolf would need to teach the yellow pup about proper scent marking so that others would respect her claims.

The treat-bearer had chosen to leave behind treats. Was he aware that Wolf was following? It was kind of him to leave treats --Wolf snapped up a fragment of summer sausage-- _very_ kind, but Wolf should be Good Boy and stay hidden. How else would pups learn?

Still, something would eat the treats and clearly treat-bearer had meant them for Wolf. Wolf was Good Boy and so made sure that none of the treats went to waste. Also leaves that had touched treats. Also, some of the dirt that had touched treats.

They were very good treats.

Wolf would be sneakier next time, but hoped treat-bearer noticed him anyway.

* * *

Connie was hanging upside down by her ankle. She’d dodged the pitfall but apparently had landed right in the snare. Steven had started to get beneath so he could catch her when she cut herself free, but this time she remembered her powers and summoned a horizontal force field about level with her stomach. This she crawled/swung onto so she was able to lie down, the pressure off her ankle and on the field. Reaching up, she loosen the snare so her foot could slip out.

Sitting up on her field for a moment so the blood could drain from her head, she looked around and noticed… a large dreamcatcher hanging from a tree branch, the price tag of the shop it had come from still on it, with a crystal bat struggling weakly in it like a fly trapped in a spider’s web. A faint glistening to the thread hinted that glue had been applied.

Now that she knew to be wary, Connie noticed further signs of traps: tripwires, a patch of ground that was suspiciously well-covered in leaves as though disguising a pit, something she was pretty sure was a swinging log trap, and even a box labeled ‘food’ with an arrow pointing inside that was propped up by a stick… with an anvil suspended directly overhead using a surprisingly sophisticated series of winches and pulleys.

Stepping down carefully from the field, Connie asked, “Are you sure this is a way we want to go? I’m seeing a lot of traps. They may be kinda cartoonish, but unlike cartoon characters, I don’t think we’re going to bounce back from having an anvil dropped on us.”

Steven looked puzzled. “[This is definitely the way Onion showed me. This one time, when I was staying with Aunt Vidalia so I could get over being sick with chickenpox because mom and dad were still on tour, Onion snuck me out and walked me through the woods to this really neat clearing. We had a lot of fun but when we got home I learned Vidalia might seem really chill but she’s got those super intense mom laser-eyes that make you want to go hide under _all_ the blankets.]”

Connie could think of a couple of times growing up when Peridot had fit that description, although her lasers were rather more literal even if they didn’t come from her eyes. _There was even one time Priyanka-_ but she shut that thought down with extreme prejudice.

Connie and Steven shared a shudder from their respective flashbacks.

“[Anyway, I guess we can head somewhere else. It wouldn’t make a very good picnic if we spent it upside down hanging from a rope,]” he signed.

“Yeah, we’d spill our drinks,” quipped Connie, earning a chuckle from Steven.

Just as they were turning around, a nearby bush stood up, grew arms, and leveled a spear at them. A tiny bush on its back brandished a similar, if tiny, spear as well.

A fallen log righted itself, rectangular sections of bark disappearing into the trunk to allow teal sleeves ending in dark-brown hands to emerge. One was holding a small but sturdy-looking wooden mallet.

Movement overhead caught Connie’s eye: in the crook of a tree, a figure wearing a pot on their head had a slingshot pulled back, Connie directly in their sights.

Connie spoke softly, switching in and out of Tamil so the others (hopefully) wouldn’t understand her. “Steven, I’m going to [summon force fields] to [block off their attack]. I want you to [run] while I [cover our retreat]. On [two because they’ll expect it on three]. One-”

Just then there was a flash and a figure with a familiar-looking intense stare stepped out from around a tree holding a polaroid camera. Covered in lines of red, black, and brown war paint that acted as surprisingly effective woodland camouflage, Onion came forward, tucking the camera away and saying… something; even when she’d been able to hear, Connie had never been able to pierce the accent he or his father, Yellowtail, possessed. Whatever he was saying, though, it had caused the ambush party to lower their weapons.

Connie turned to Steven then slowly reached up and wiggled her ears at him.

Steven nodded and crouched down beside Onion, signing as he went. “[Onion says the woods have been dangerous lately so his friends and he have been protecting their camp.]”

Connie glanced at the crystal bat trapped in the dreamcatcher once more. _Yeah, that makes sense,_ she thought. _At least, as much as anything involving Onion does,_ she amended.

“[They’re unwilling to lead us to their camp since you’re not a member. Oh, apparently my membership expired a few years ago. There are dues? Why don’t you tell me these things, Onion?!]” The pair had a brief exchange before the bigger bush with the spear prodded Steven’s picnic basket. “[Oh, the others say they know a good spot for a picnic that isn’t trapped and they’ll lead us there…]”

“Oh, that’s nice of them, I think,” said Connie, still on the backfoot from the whole ‘ambushed by Onion’s gang’ thing.

“[...but they want a fee to guide us past all the other traps they have between here and there,]” finished Steven, looking her way.

“How many traps are we talking?”

The one in the log started counting but ran out of fingers. The two bushes picked up the count, followed by the slingshot sniper. When Onion ran out of fingers and started to pull off his footies to start counting toes, Connie asked, “Do we have enough in the basket?”

“[Yeah, I packed quite a bit, actually,]” came the reply.

Connie felt the force field she’d previously used to escape the snare wink out of existence. “Then it’s a bargain,” she drawled.

* * *

The summer pups and their alpha led the yellow pup and treat-bearer away. Wolf sniffed. This area had been very well marked. Perhaps the summer pups would teach the yellow pup to mark as well. That would be good.

There was also the smell of food nearby. It was under a not-rock that was propped up by a stick. A heavy rock-thing hung overhead. This was game food, yes? Wolf was Good Boy and good at games.

The summer pups had played many games with Wolf since their arrival. Fortunately, Wolf healed quickly.

Wolf also learned quickly. Once the yellow pup and treat-bearer were far enough away that their silly two-leg ears would not hear, Wolf leapt high and pounced hard. The ground shook, as did the leaves in the trees. Also, a tree part swung by very fast, a jet of hot-hot burned brightly where one of the summer pups’ toys had been hidden, a pit full of poky sticks opened up, and the heavy rock-thing fell down.

Wolf padded over, avoiding the bits of hot-hot left over, and stepped around the pit. Shoving the heavy rock-thing aside, Wolf was able to push the flattened not-rock out of the way. Wolf ate the game food. This was fun game.

Wolf smothered the last of the hot-hot so it would not breed, then padded after the yellow pup and treat bearer. Wolf hoped there would be more games, and more game food.

Wolf was good at games.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The art for this chapter came from MJStudioArts.
> 
> Surprising no one who managed to decipher BurdenKing's hidden clues in the Ep16Ch6 in-chapter image (i.e. Steven and Connie nuzzling), we're finally giving Wolf some long-awaited screentime! Tune in Wednesday, January 24th for more woodland shenanigans in the final chapter of _Steven's Picnic Delivery Service_.
> 
> BurdenKing finished working up a polished model pic for Citrine's Shield (or the 'Citrine Aegis' as Peridot calls it). The shield is a metal buckler and therefore fairly small. It is able to sustain a force field to expand the protective coverage and both the size and shape of the field can be adjusted.  
>   
> Top-left: The shield from the front.  
> Top-right: The shield on edge (love the details on the bas-relief lotus)  
> Middle-left: The shield in its default configuration.  
> Bottom-left: A composite image of the shield's field in different configurations, ranging from starburst, assorted lengths, and even tower shield.  
> Bottom-right: Steven and Connie for scale.
> 
> Also, fan and skilled artist [Anawinkaro](https://anawinkaro.deviantart.com/art/Connie-Swap-AU-Connverse-kiss-721420565) was inspired by the indirect kiss of our take on the episode _An Indirect Kiss_ , specifically Connie and Steven's nuzzle in _Loud and Clear_ , and drew this pic of much more direct kiss. We were blown away and thank Anawinkaro for the fine fan art! If you're a fan of illustrated Connverse, you can find more of Anawinkaro's art on their Deviant Art page [here](https://anawinkaro.deviantart.com/).  
> 
> 
> * * *
> 
> New omakes to point out:  
> *) [What if Lapis had a hippo?](http://archiveofourown.org/works/12265302/chapters/30323019) by [br42](http://archiveofourown.org/users/br42/pseuds/br42) \- A new addition to Peridot’s What-If Machine Collection.  
> *) [Loud and Clear: Priyanka Epilogue](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/29961447) by [br42](http://archiveofourown.org/users/br42/pseuds/br42) \- "Priyanka and Doug react following the family dinner in Ep16Ch4: _Whine and Dine._ " **This fic is 100% canon.**
> 
> If you have a Connie Swap story burning in your soul that you want to see in our official, curated Omake collection, drop us a comment either in the Omake fic or here in the main fic and we'll get in touch.
> 
> Connie Swap has an official Discord for the fans. [Come check it out.](https://discord.gg/RQMDdhr)
> 
> As usual, we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and your asks at the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/). Thanks for reading!


	2. Surface Area and Volume

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After you finish reading this chapter, there is a related omake story you might want to check out:  
> [What if, when Connie was younger, Peridot had let her get a puppy?](http://archiveofourown.org/works/12265302/chapters/29370699) by [br42](http://archiveofourown.org/users/br42/pseuds/br42) \- A relevant entry from Peridot’s What-If Machine Collection.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Also, because the post-chapter section has grown too long, I wanted to use this space to thank Leppa and Mermaid (a.k.a. [thelittlemerms](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelittlemerms/pseuds/thelittlemerms)) for being wonderful people of talent and diligence for helping with the larger Connie Swap project. Leppa has been bit-by-bit [reproducing Connie Swap over on Wattpad](https://www.wattpad.com/story/133628710-connieswap). Mermaid has been working hard on a project we’re not yet ready to reveal, but I’m thrilled with their progress and skill. A huge thanks to both.

\---May 29th---

Steven woke to noise.

Chirps and chitters were the first thing to pierce his awareness. He opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling of his room, allowing this unfamiliar sensation to wash over him. Strains of music were audible through his door, as was the whoosh of wind through the tree outside his bedroom window.

The chittering noise reached a crescendo sufficient to compel Steven upright. Wiping the sleep from his eyes, he opened his curtains and saw a squirrel and a mockingbird having a dispute about... Steven wasn't sure, exactly. _Tree ownership? It's big enough that they could share. Oh! And the mockingbird could help spot acorns for the squirrel, and the squirrel could share its nest in the knot of the tree so they stay warm during the winter and then everyone would be happy._

Sadly Steven didn't speak Squirrel, or Bird for that matter, so the two were left to noisily settle their own issues. Steven glanced at his clock and was surprised to see he was up more than an hour early. Toggling off his alarm, Steven yawned, and got ready for the day. The air was awash with sound and Steven's sleepiness was quickly giving way to excitement.

* * *

_Ears need volume controls_ , Steven thought for probably the fifth time that morning, shifting uncomfortably on a couch in the living room and looking up from his comic. His mom was singing along to the music playing throughout the house, the range sizzling with the big family breakfast she was preparing. His dad had staggered downstairs, retrieved his cup of coffee, and mumbling something that Steven guessed was a 'Good morning' as he shambled back up to the family room. The noise of the TV drifted down from upstairs, adding to the stew of sound Steven felt like he was submerged in.

Even his clothes sounded loud, and turning the page of the _Edgelord_ comic he was borrowing from Jeff was distracting.

Motion caught Steven's eye. Looking up he saw his mom peek around the door to the dining room. She said... something and smiled at him, but but he couldn't understand what. It's not that he hadn't heard her, but rather he heard _everything_ and his brain couldn't figure out what to pay attention to.

The soda commercial upstairs ended and a theme song started to play. Lion was sharpening his claws on his scratching post. Jimi Hendrix started a guitar solo over the house's speakers. His phone chimed, alerting him that Ronaldo had updated Keep Beach City Weird. Sparrows were flocking to the bird feeder in the front yard, each chirping over the others. Steven's left leg was bouncing double time to the music and his shorts were rubbing against the fabric of the couch. The wind picked up outside and Steven swore even the shifting shadows of the tree branches was noisy. The stairs creaked as his dad came down, the musician looking at Steven with an embarrassed smile and saying something indecipherable.

With a cry Steven grabbed a fluffy couch pillow in each hand and then smooshed them against his head. Flopping down, he rolled over so that all he could see was the fabric of the couch. He sat there curled up in a ball. _This is worse than that time I rode the teacups at Funland!_ he thought, squeezing his eyes closed and waiting for the ride to stop.

Somehow he'd been led into the recording studio across from his dad's office. The lights were dim and he was sitting in the rocking chair his mom had brought home after his great-grandmother's funeral. Between the motion and the lights and the room's sound-proofing holding the noise of the world at bay, Steven felt the teacup ride slowing down.

* * *

"It's called sensory overload," his mom was saying softly as he nibbled his (slightly cold) plate of food. He was supposed to be meeting Connie for breakfast in a little while but some eggs and toast helped to settle more than just his stomach.

His dad nodded. "I ran over to the library yesterday after you and Lapis flew off. Starlight and I did some reading and, well, you're used to the world being plugged into a tiny tweeter and working hard to hear the details. Now it's playing over a big ol' concert amp and your brain hasn't made the switch."

His mom reached across and squeezed his hand. "It'll get better in time, sweetie. You'll learn how to filter things out. In the meantime, you'll want to be mindful of your surroundings. And if you start to get overstimulated, go find somewhere quiet and calm to recover."

Steven signed his understanding, his phone choosing that time to buzz. A glance revealed a text from Connie: she'd overslept and needed to push their breakfast back half an hour.

"You want seconds there, Shtu-ball? Wouldn't want you going to breakfast with Connie hungry," his dad joked.

"You're one to talk, dear. That's your, what, third cup of coffee?" retorted mom.

"Hey, I can't help that someone decided to schedule morning so darn early in the day. Besides, how else am I suppose to check these bags under my eyes?"

Steven smiled as his parents bickered good-naturedly. It'd take some getting used to, but Steven was optimistic. He just hoped Connie's transition had started better than his.

* * *

_While my guitar gently- gently... No, that's not it either._

Steven paused the video of the ukulele cover of the _Beatles_ song and stared down at his fingers on the instrument's fretboard. Over dinner Connie had mentioned training with Jasper that day. It made Steven realize that he had some practicing of his own he should be doing.

Now it was bedtime and Steven was sitting on the edge of his bed trying to wrangle George Harrison's song by way of Jake Shimabukuro. It was slow going.

With a swipe to his phone, Steven tabbed over to KBCW and began to read Ronaldo's post about detecting seismic communications between the Belownies of Subterrainus and the bat-swarm gravelings. The tiny-footed digger race was, apparently, in alliance with the cave-dwelling denizens and were coordinating their attack on the surface. However, his theory that the Wandering Scandinavian Poltergeist was the _real_ threat to the polymorphic rock people reminded Steven of Connie, which reminded him of his ears which reminded him of the ukulele in his lap.

Tabbing back to the previous video with a sigh, Steven got his fingers into position and then started the music. _I don't think my ukulele is gently weeping so much as kinda annoyed at me,_ he thought as he struggled through the song, brow furrowed in concentration.

* * *

\---May 30th---

Connie carried the box holding their pizza (pepperoni, half pineapple, half mushrooms) while Steven carried their drinks, some napkins, as well as those little packets of red pepper flakes that Steven had never actually seen anyone use but all pizza places insisted on handing out.

They came to what Steven had started to think of as their spot on the beach. A good angle for a breeze, the sand is just clumpy enough not to spray in the wind, and it’s far enough out from the boardwalk that the mayor’s car doesn’t drown out conversation when he drives by. It's where he and Connie had gone to share the bits on the day they'd first met. It was where Connie summoned her first force field.

She did the same here, making one barrier as a bench for them and another as a table. _So cool_ , he thought as the two of them arranged their stuff on the yellow, see-through table-field. A glance at Connie's expression reminded him that she'd been having a rough time with the whole 'not hearing' thing.

He'd recommended their spot to take their to-go pizza to so Connie wouldn't have people and music she couldn't hear. While the beach wasn't exactly quiet, it was better than the restaurant, which was also helping Steven deal with his own noise issues.

Fortunately, Steven had packed his copy of _Sentinels of the Multiverse_ and between the pizza, light conversation, and a rousing victory against Grand Warlord Voss, the get-together ended on a much higher note than it had started.

Waving goodbye to Connie, Steven turned for home, a thought percolating in the back of his mind.

Opening the door to the garage, Steven tried to remember where he'd left that picnic basket after Lighthouse Park. He found himself humming Sour Cream's song, the one he'd heard playing at Fish Stew Pizza, as he waded through his dad's vast trove of stuff looking for a glimpse of wicker.

* * *

Years ago when he and Onion would go playing in the forest together, Steven had marveled at the fact that Aunt Vidalia could stand on her front porch and make such a piercing whistle --the kind that involved putting fingers in your mouth, the kind that action heroes used to summon their steed no matter the distance-- that the two of them would hear it and know it was time to come back. He'd also marveled at the fact that Onion actually obeyed his mom's call.

Aunt Vidalia's voice could also carry, and right now it was carrying through a floor, a closed door, and as many layers of pillow and blanket as Steven could manage to put between it and his ears.

She'd come over to talk with his parents. She'd been upset ever since leaving Fish Stew Pizza. At first he'd hoped to loiter nearby, 'reading' a comic or doing something on his phone so that he could hear what the adults had to say about the long-absent Sour Cream. The noise had been enough to chase Steven out of the living room, then up the stairs to the family room, and now into his bedroom as Vidalia grew more upset.

He heard Marty's name a few times, but a woman saying Marty's name angrily in this house wasn't exactly unheard of. _Definitely heard of. Very heard of,_ Steven amended as the sounds below got louder.

* * *

\---May 31st---

"Have a good day Steven," called Sadie. She then turned, switched on the light she had clipped to her headband, and looked into the gloom of the open duct, Lars holding the ladder steady below her. A moment later she reached down with one hand and Lars passed the cattle prod up to her.

"Bye! And good luck!" Steven responded, exiting the shop and stowing his latest goodies in his picnic basket. _I really hope Connie is free for this picnic,_ he thought walking across the familiar path to the Beach House, his cheeseburger backpack bouncing against him as he went. _She could be doing destiny training or helping Miss Peridot invent super tech stuff, or even going with the gems on a-_

"Fine! I get it! Have a good mission without me," yelled Connie from somewhere inside the Beach House. Steven had reached the porch and his steps grew slow, uncertain. He had just raised his hand to knock when-

"I had plans anyway! Who needs some crumby mission when-" Connie flung open the door then stared at Steven in surprise, a look Steven mirrored completely.

Recapturing her momentum, Connie stepped forward and laced her arm through Steven's as though he were a gentleman caller. Now Steven was surprised on two different levels. "-when you're going out for a nice picnic instead!"

With an insistent tug, Connie dragged Steven into step beside her. They marched down the steps and out of sight of the gems, part of Steven wondering what the heck had just happened and another part oddly okay with this turn of events.

* * *

Steven followed close on Onion's heels, though he had to crouch low to slip under some of the branches that Onion scarcely ducked going beneath. Still, he didn't dare stray off the path. His picnic basket had the scorch marks of the one time he had.

With a final shimmy between a split in a tree trunk --Steven had to pass the basket to Connie to squeeze through-- Onion signaled for a stop. Connie handed Steven the basket through the rent in the tree and then slipped through herself. Soup, Squash, Garbanzo and Pinto took up the rear.

"Garbanzo," said Garbanzo, gesturing at the clearing. Glancing around, Steven did notice a general lack of tripwires and improvised flamethrowers.

"So this spot's safe?" asked Connie, eyeing the surroundings as well.

Steven conferred with Onion then signed back to Connie, "[Onion says it isn't trapped. Not past that line of brush there. He didn't promise anything about safe, though.]"

From Garbanzo's back, little Pinto coughed into a tiny fist and then made the universal 'gimme, gimme' sign with their outstretched hand.

Connie rolled her eyes. "Good enough, I suppose." She and Steven withdrew the promised collection of food and handed it over to Onion's gang, the troupe already heading back through the split in the tree. Soup did turn back and tip the pot-for-a-hat they wore, but the friendly gesture was undermined by the numerous bugs that skittered out from underneath.

The two shared a look and then seemed to make the conscious decision to pretend that hadn’t happened. Offering his arm once more, Steven led Connie a little further away from the trapped side of the forest. Glancing over he noticed her looking distracted. While, more distracted than he’d expect for a brush with Onion and his friends. Steven frowned slightly. "[Something on your mind, Connie?]"

Connie gave his arm a squeeze. "A little. Ever since we ran into those crystal bats, I've been wondering where they've been roosting. Peridot says they won't venture far from caves or tunnels. That's why Jasper has to clear them out from the Sky Arena every so often: it's got these big corridors running through the sides that they love to infest."

She shook her head. "Sorry to bring up stuff like this, though. I know you're trying to get me away from all of that. Which is very thoughtful, by the way," and she gave him a bright smile that instantly made everything fine forever.

If Steven had been dwelling on his own less than brave performance when they'd encountered the bats, he wasn't now. He assumed he'd managed to sign something in response but he couldn't recall what.

For the third time that day they settled into a spot to have their much delayed picnic. “[I have some PB&Js, fruit, chips, and some drinks I bought at the Big Donut],” signed Steven after he’d rummaged through his pack.

“Sounds great,” responded Connie, already spreading out the blanket. She summoned a force field at a sixty degree angle, draping part of the blanket over it so the pair would have a comfy bench to lean against while they ate.

As had become tradition between them, they split their sandwiches in half and gave it to the other. Connie’s life was the Sandwich of Destiny and Steven’s, the Normal-wich on rye: both were happier with a mix of what the other had to offer… even if this time what they had to offer the other was peanut butter and jelly.

Finally, Connie and Steven tucked in, enjoying the peace and quiet, respectively.

* * *

“-so Lapis said, ‘Hey baby, what’s ursine?’ That’s when I learned black bears can run up to thirty miles an hour. Fortunately Lapis flies faster than that, even when covered in honey. We haven’t visited Yellowstone ever since.”

Steven, who was already rolling on the blanket with laughter, stepped it up to a full on guffaw. It was nearly a minute before he managed to pick himself up off the ground, wiping his eyes. “[Oh wow,]” signed Steven, adding the sign for applause while he was at it. “[I can see why Peridot couldn’t look that forest ranger in the eyes afterwards.]”

“Hehe, yeah. Certainly one of the more exciting field trips we took back before I was going on missions,” replied Connie. She leaned back against the bench, basking in the moment, Steven doing the same... until she lost focus on her force field and they suddenly found themselves staring up at the canopy.

A wide-eyed glance at one another soon transformed into another round of laughter from the pair. Upright once more, Steven was tucking some unruly curls back behind his ear when Connie had to wonder where her friend’s hearing aid had gotten off to. As soon as she remembered why that wasn’t the case anymore, she also realized she’d been perfectly content and unaware of her lack of hearing for probably the last half hour.

A grin split her face and she leaned over to give Steven’s hand a squeeze. He nearly flinched in response, suddenly wide-eyed and flushed for some reason. Had she been unintentionally loud or something? Ignoring that, Connie said, “Hey Steven, I just wanted to thank you for this picnic. It was a great idea.”

He seemed to melt a little at her remark but a beat later he bolted upright exclaiming, “ICECREAM!” the statement broad enough she had no trouble reading his lips.

Connie looked around, just in case there was a tree-shaped freezer she’d missed previously. “Icecream?” she asked.

“[So, whenever I’m sick or sad, mom and dad will get me a pint of sherbet.]” Steven looked at Connie, his expression earnest as he signed, “[I know it’s been a rough couple of days for you so I bought some and stuffed it in a mini-cooler with some ice packs.]”

Connie was momentarily lost for words. Eventually she managed to say, “Steven, that’s so sweet.”

He rubbed the back of his neck as though embarrassed, then signed, “[Actually, it’s lemon-flavored so it’s sort of the opposite of sweet.]” 

Connie rolled her eyes. “Why lemon, Universe?”

“[Oh, well, you like the color yellow and this is for you. Plus, who knows, maybe your gemstone is powered by yellow food and you’ll get a power boost or something,”] he signed, chuckling.

“Who ever heard of someone getting a power boost from ice cream?” drawled Connie, unable to restrain her smile.

“[I guess that would be kind of silly,]” he conceded before looking around. “[Do you know where my backpack got off to?]”

“Oh, I put it over by the picnic basket there,” and she pointed.

Steven smiled then walked over toward his pack. He stopped and turned to face Connie, signing, “[Hey, the ground over here is really squishy. It’s kinda cool.]”

 _Squishy?_ Connie wondered, rising to her feet.

Steven, meanwhile, did the opposite, his left leg suddenly thrusting into the ground up to his knee. He threw out his arms to keep from losing his balance completely, but the left one vanished into the soil. He had just enough time to shoot a worried look at Connie before dropping into the earth, vanishing completely with a yelp Connie couldn’t hear but her mind supplied.

"Steven!” Connie ran over and saw… a sinkhole? No, a tunnel. It was an earthen pit about four feet deep and six feet wide. Steven had fallen through the roof and landed in a pile of topsoil at the bottom. Connie summoned a field that extended a little ways over the lip and crawled out onto it. “Are you okay?” she called down.

Steven wiped the dirt from his eyes, blinked, and look up at Connie. He said something then seemed to realize his error and signed, “[Yeah, I think so. It wasn’t a hard fall; more like landing on a pile of dirty laundry.]”

He found his cheeseburger backpack and passed it up to Connie. Mentally shaking her head at his priorities, Connie summoned a second field, this one about two feet off the tunnel floor, then helped him clamber up out of the pit and onto the field she was resting on.

Now that Steven appeared to be safe, Connie’s sense of righteous indignation kicked in. "I'm thinking we overpaid Onion," she groused while helping brush the soil from Steven’s clothes and hair. "He may not consider some kind of shoddy smuggling tunnel a trap, but if my-"

Steven interrupted Connie with a gesture. "[I don't think Onion dug this.]"

"What? Why?"

Steven pointed downward where a swarm of crystal bats were flying at break-neck speed through the tunnel, the sunlight reflecting off their crystal bodies as though off a turbulent river.

“Oh,” was all she could say.

A moment later the swarm thinned out and a green, star-studded snoot poked into view, followed shortly by two large paws. Each was tipped by a trio of dirt-caked claws the length and general shape of Connie's saber.

“Oooh.”

Connie and Steven retreated from the edge of the hole quickly, stopping on the far side of the picnic blanket. 

With care to avoid the lip of the force field, an eyeless mottled green face emerged. A green, star-shaped gem rested on the end of the creature's nose, a nose which was wiggling as though scenting the air... somehow.

Connie had already drawn her saber, leveling the blade between her and the gem beast. "[Maybe it wants a snack?]" signed Steven, her friend noticeably paler. The snout found the overturned picnic basket resting near the cave-in entrance. The nose probed the container’s interior for a moment. Then a paw the size of a trash can lid crushed it, the claws raking through to turn the remains into wicker confetti.

“[I guess not.]”

The form waved its head about blindly for another moment before slipping back into the tunnel and vanishing from sight.

Connie stood there, sword outstretched, tense. It took her a moment to realize she was straining to hear the gem beast’s activity. Steven stood just behind her, clutching her shoulders as though the comparatively larger boy planned to hide behind her narrow frame.

She felt a vibration under her feet and Connie had just enough time to throw herself into Steven a second before the mole monster erupted out of the ground, mouth wide in what Connie assumed was a roar. She and Steven didn’t so much dodge as fall sideways and roll just outside the reach of its claws.

Shoving her friend aside, Connie staggered to her feet and swiped at a probing green paw. The blade didn’t bite deep but it did cause the limb to withdraw. The monster stared at her with sightless malice before retreating back into its tunnel.

“Steven!” Connie hauled him to his feet, the boy shaking like a leaf. “Steven, I need you to run and call the gems for help.” She tossed him her phone, which he scrambled to catch. “I can’t use my phone right now, I wouldn’t even know if they answered or if it went to voicemail. Run and call for help.”

He nodded, then turned reluctantly while Connie ran the other way to draw the creature away. She wasn’t able to follow his departure for long before she felt another rumble of activity beneath her. This time she made a little hop, summoning a horizontal force field as large as she could beneath her. There was a thud and directly below she could see a yellow-tinted blender of claws and gnashing teeth scratching at the field. It dropped from sight a second later.

_Okay, deep breaths. This isn’t actually that big of a threat. I have force fields, which means it won’t have an easy time-_

A thought struck Connie, a suspicion that made the bottom of her stomach drop out. _It’ll go after the easier target!_ Whipping her head over, she shouted, “Steven! Look out!”

The boy, meanwhile, was eighty feet away. The mole monster emerged, showing surprising speed when traversing pre-dug tunnels, and lunged at him. He’d managed to escape the reach of its claws and the beast was bellowing its frustration. Judging from the fact that Steven staggered to his knees and clapped his hands over his ears, the beast’s roar must have been even louder than Connie thought.

Rather than retreat into the soil, the creature simply slashed through the terrain in front of it, trying to close the distance to Steven through the shortest, most brutally direct route possible.

Connie could summon a field up to fifty feet away. Steven was farther away than that. Connie’s blood froze in her veins when the realization struck that the mole would reach Steven before she could get in range to protect him and there wasn’t a thing she could do to prevent it. She probably shouted something. Time was passing both too fast and too slow as Connie sprinted headlong, the only sound that of her heart thumping in her ears.

* * *

Yellow pup and treat-bearer had found a dirt ripper. Yellow pup used her not-stick and hard square to stay safe from dirt ripper. That was good. Yellow pup was small but she fought like she was big.

Yellow pup told treat-bearer to run, which he did. Treat-bearer was Good Boy and listened to yellow pup like Wolf?

The fear stink was heavy on treat-bearer. He was bigger than yellow pup but acted like he was small. It was strange. The dirt ripper could hear treat-bearer running, could smell the fear stink, and chased him.

This made yellow pup sad. This also made yellow pup ask for help. She asked loudly, perhaps because she did not know Wolf was hiding nearby. Wolf was Good Boy and had stayed hidden. Now Wolf was Good Boy and stayed not hidden.

Also, dirt ripper smashed treat-bearer’s treat box earlier. This was not good. Treat-bearer had good treats meant for Good Boys like Wolf. Wolf would be Good Boy and protect treat-bearer. Make yellow pup happy. Maybe get treats.

Wolf liked treats.

* * *

In a blur of motion, Wolf leapt from the edge of the clearing and body checked the gem monster, slamming into it so hard its head smacked into the ground and then rebounded backward. The green creature practically toppled down into its hole in a boneless fall.

It took Connie a moment as she sprinted over to come to grips that this was reality and not her hallucinating what she desperately wanted to happen instead. “Wolf! Good boy!” she shouted, meaning every word with an intensity she’d be hard pressed to describe.

That seemed to be the right thing to say because Wolf almost vibrated with happiness at the praise.

Steven managed to climb to his feet and come face-to-snout with Wolf. He screamed, falling backwards and scrambling until he bumped into a tree trunk.

“Steven, it’s okay. Wolf is helping us,” explained the girl, her body still tingly from the whiplash of emotions. Turning to Wolf she asked, “Wolf? Can you help Steven climb into that tree?”

Wolf cocked his head to the side, then bent down and gently picked up Steven by the scruff of his shirt. Steven yelped and was shaking like a leaf but didn’t otherwise struggle. Wolf then reared up, his forepaws high on the tree’s trunk. He placed Steven in a crook in the branches about six feet off the ground, then dropped down and looked at Connie expectantly. Connie jogged over and scratched him under the chin.

Calling up to Steven, Connie said, “You should be safe up there, Steven. Please call the gems. Wolf and I will handle the gem monster; I’d hate for it to escape and attack someone else, like-”

Steven’s eyes went wide and he pointed, shouting something. More from training than conscious thought, Connie dove into a forward roll, springing back up a few feet away. The mole monster had recovered from the thump Wolf had given it and burst up from below. Now it was snarling and slashing at Wolf.

Connie lunged forward and scored a hit across the broad, mottled back of the creature. It turned to slash at Connie when Wolf stepped in and swiped it with an oversized paw. Realizing it was flanked, the gem monster vanished into its tunnel.

Moments later and the ground surrounding Connie and Wolf began to collapse. _It’s undermining us!_ she realized. “We need to make it surface!”

Once more Wolf looked at Connie as if to confirm she was sure about that. The collapsed earth drew closer, machete-length claws churning through the soil like a blender set to puree. Connie retreated a few paces, looked back at Wolf, and nodded.

Wolf leapt high and pounced hard, the ground shaking under the impact so much that Connie nearly lost her footing. The mole emerged from the soil six feet away looking disoriented. Connie ran forward to attack it but it snapped its head around to face her, snarled, and then vanished down its hole once more.

The encroaching collapse resumed, drawing nearer.

_But how did it- Oh! It could hear me coming! Wolf’s stomp drove it out of the ground but my footsteps alerted it to where danger was coming from._

Connie hopped back a few feet to avoid being sucked into the ever-expanding sinkhole. “Wolf, I need you to drive the mole to the surface again. Then I need you to be really loud. Can you do that, boy?”

Wolf bumped her playfully with his head, as if he did this sort of thing all the time. Connie blinked. _For all I know he_ does _do this all the time._

Wolf leapt high and then pounced hard once more. The mole emerged less than five feet away, snarling in the wrong direction. Then Wolf drew in a deep breath and howled.

Connie couldn’t hear it, of course, but she could _feel_ it. Buffeted in the gale of sound, the mole monster was completely unaware when Connie ran forward and plunged her saber deep into one of its overdeveloped shoulders. It made a blind claw swipe, forcing Connie back. She was only able to catch it across its eyeless face with a shallow cut before the howling stopped and the monster vanished once more from sight.

She’d been so rattled by the howl, Connie felt like she’d just ridden a paint mixer. _Suddenly I’m kinda glad I couldn’t hear that._

Like a cat swiping at something under a doorway, a massive, clawed paw emerged from the ground and swatted at Wolf. The canine yelped and snapped back but not before the paw had withdrawn below ground. A second later and another swipe was made, this time at Connie. She was only barely able to parry the attack with her blade.

“Wolf, one more time: pounce and howl. I think I can finish it off,” she called while the giant animal danced back from a pair of rakes from below.

Leaping high, as much to pounce as to evade attack, Wolf landed hard, Connie struggling to stay upright during the localized earthquake. As soon as the mole emerged it was blasted with a coherent wave of sound. Despite feeling her teeth clatter from the howl, Connie lunged forward and stabbed her saber deep into the beast’s neck.

Rather than retaliate, the creature flipped over, massive forepaws angled downward as comically tiny feet were suddenly thrust into the air. A beat later and dirt was flung skyward as the gem beast began to descend, tunneling straight down in retreat.

“Oh no! We can’t let it get away! Wolf! Do something!”

One time during a lesson on biospheres in frigid biomes, Connie had watched a video with Peridot about [foxes diving face-first into snow to catch mice hiding underneath](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c4dr4p9G1Qw). Lapis had arrived and made some crack about Firefox crashing, but joking aside, Connie had been impressed. What Wolf did was pretty much the same thing, only scaled up in every way, with a bigger ‘fox’ and a much bigger mouse.

Wolf leapt high and dove headlong into the hole, burying himself up to his haunches. His rear feet kicked uselessly for a second before he managed to gain purchase on the ground. He then _heaved_ himself and his quarry up and out of the hole. With massive yellow jaws clamped on the mottled green rump, the mole was flung onto the surface.

Connie was quick to lunge forward, burying her saber to the hilt in the beast’s side. It thrashed for a second, went still, and then exploded into a cloud of greenish smoke. Hunting around in the grass and churned dirt, Connie found the green, star-shaped gemstone and encased it in a yellow bubble.

Wolf shook himself, dirt flying everywhere. He was soon on his back and receiving the belly rub of his life from Connie. It wasn’t until a trio of legs --blue, green (in gravity connectors), and orange (in black boots)-- came into Connie’s view that she remembered she’d told Steven to call for help.

* * *

Steven was running like Connie told him to. Then he thought he felt the ground start to wobble like the glasses did in Fish Stew Pizza during that one bass drop in the middle of Sour Cream's song. Then he was toppling forward trying not to trip, green and claws flashing as he stumbled.

Steven screamed. The mole monster opened its mouth and made the loudest noise Steven had ever heard. A tiny part of Steven felt like he should probably do something else, like continue running, but the rest of him was convinced his head was going to explode like in the comics he and Jeff still made sometimes. He did the sensible thing and tried to keep his brains from escaping out his ears by clapping his hands over them.

The noise went on forever and then it stopped when something big landed nearby. Eventually Steven found the world slightly less head-explody and he looked up to see...

...a big monster inches from his face. Steven scrambled back until he bumped against a tree, the momentum of his panic too great to stop quite yet even though he recognized Wolf. 

Connie probably said something but everything was loud and distracting right now so he couldn't really make it out.

Then Wolf picked Steven up by his shirt and dropped him into a tree. _Okay, that is way more uncomfortable than it's shown on TV,_ thought a curious corner of Steven, the only part of him not actively panicking or feeling overwhelmed. _Can moles climb trees? I mean, I doubt they try very often but could they? Maybe green moles can. What do you call a green mole anyway? I think dad would call it Guaca-Mole. Oh, Connie's saying something. Hi Connie. She's so brave and always knows what to do. I wonder if she knows about tree-climbing moles. I'll have to ask when she's not saving me for, like, the third time tod-_

Seeing the ground behind Connie start to buckle caused every corner of Steven to drop what it was doing and focus: when his world had narrowed down to just Connie, Steven found there wasn't room enough for panic. "Connie! Look out!" shouted Steven, pointing.

Connie dove out of the way because that's what superheroes do, and then she swung her sword and Wolf used his big Wolf paws and they chased the mole back into its hole. 

It was at about this time Steven remembered what he was supposed to do. Unlocking her phone --Connie had told him once it was a clockwise spiral like the sacrosanct sigil from _The Unfamiliar Familiar_ \-- Steven pressed the button that had Peridot's face on it.

Two rings later and Steven heard Peridot and Lapis over the phone. "Hello dear. I hope everything is going- Hey Dot, Connie isn't on the phone, you dork. Well, Laz, whyever no- oooh, right."

"Miss Peridot, this is Steven. Me and Connie are in the forest and there's a giant Guaca-Mole and Connie's fighting it with Wolf and we need your-"

Just then the tree shook and Steven had to throw his arms around the truck to stay balanced. Raising the phone back to his ear he heard, "-n’t know! Connie's fighting a wolf with condiments? It's very confusing. Steven! Are you there? Steven!"

"Sorry, I'm back. I think Wolf is part thwomp or something. There's a big green mole monster with a star for a nose and-"

"Connie is skirmishing with an Omphacite?! Jasper! Lapis! Back to the warp pad! We're leaving now! Steven, keep this call active so that I can-"

The tree shook again and then the loudest sound Steven had ever heard, waaay louder than the previous loudest sound, rolled over him. Not even that one curious corner of Steven could think during _that_ noise.

Stuff happened. Probably. That seemed like a thing stuff would do. The tree shook a few times. The loudest sound he had ever heard happened again. It wasn't until he felt large hands retrieving him from the tree that Steven did anything other than sit there, hands clapped over his ears.

* * *

Wolf was enjoying his tummy rub when Connie noticed the gems arrive. A split-second later and Connie's world turned green as she was zipped away from Wolf by Peridot's tractor beam. Wolf raised his head to look around, leaving his belly exposed just in case.

Peridot said something, probably the verbose equivalent of telling Connie to stand clear, her other limb enhancer already reconfiguring into blaster formation. Jasper had her helmet summoned but, like Wolf, appeared more confused than hostile. Lapis was holding her mallet but her gaze was flitting between Peridot, Connie, Wolf, and the bubbled gem.

"Peridot! Wait!" shouted Connie, staggering to find her feet after being rendered briefly inertia-less. She ran over toward Wolf, throwing her arms wide. Wolf wagged his tail, perhaps hoping for a continuation of the belly rubs.

Peridot said something, gesturing towards Wolf. Lapis said something else, folding up her mallet, the yellow bubble floating over her shoulder. Peridot turned, making it hard for Connie to follow her lips. There was a flare of light and then a poorly-realized, blue mole monster --the proportions all wrong, too many claws on each hand, and it was still wearing Lapis' shorts-- looked at Connie, paws wide. Jasper rolled her eyes and walked off.

"Charades?" asked Connie.

The blue mole attempted a thumbs up, found it lacked thumbs, then tapped the side of its long nose. It held up four claws. "Four words," narrated Connie. 

It cocked its head to the side, a claw at its cheek as though in thought. "A question." A nod and two claws went up. "Second word." The mole pointed at Connie. "Me?" Nod. "Did I..." Nod. The blue mole swiped its claws in Connie's direction, perhaps trying (and utterly failing) to look threatening. "Did I... fight?" she hazarded. Nod.

The mole pointed at itself. "Did I fight you? The mole, I mean." Nod. "Yeah. The ground collapsed under Steven and then the mole monster attacked us." Molapis made a broad gesture out from its body and then pointed at the bubble. "Yeah, I poofed the monster and bubbled it."

Peridot said something. Connie wasn't sure what exactly, but given the put-upon expression Molapis assumed, she guessed Peridot was calling them on some deviation from the rules for Charades.

There was another shimmer and then a blue Wolf, more Were-Lapis than anything, appeared. Seeing that, Wolf, the real Wolf, perked up. Were-Lapis clawed at Connie and then gestured towards the bubble. "Did Wolf fight me and the mole monster? No."

Were-Lapis shook her head in negation. Wolf, upright once more, leaned over and tried to sniff his poorly-formed doppelgänger's rear. A watery wing flicked out and swatted the giant hound on the snout. Turning back to Connie, she pantomimed a brawl between a blue Connie, a blue Wolf, and a blue Mole, shifting several times during the effort. At the end she reverted to her usual self, wiping her brow with the effort of changing form so many times in close succession.

Wolf tried once more to sniff Lapis' rear, earning a two-wing swat for his troubles.

"Uh, can you maybe write this down, Lapis? I'm getting a little confused."

Lapis threw her arms up in frustration. It was at this point that Jasper walked over and thrust Steven at Connie as though he were the pencil and paper she'd asked for. "Use him," she mouthed.

Steven, suspended by large orange hands under his armpits, his feet kicking a few feet off the ground, gave Connie a weak smile.

* * *

"[How did you poof the-]" he almost started trying to sign 'Omphacite' but decided to sign Jasper's question as, "[mole monster?]" instead.

Connie addressed the group, standing a little ways back so she could see them and Steven without having to look back and forth. "The mole could hear me running to attack it so I asked Wolf to howl at it, masking the sound of my approach. That enabled me to get in close enough to destablize it with my saber."

"[Oh, that's smart, Connie!]" added the boy, prompting Connie to flush a little from the praise.

Peridot was scanning Wolf while Lapis was splayed out across the large animal, calling him, 'the comfiest bark-alounger ever.' Jasper had stood aloof for a time but had slowly gravitated closer. She was now absentmindedly scratching Wolf's haunches, to his considerable delight.

"[What did-"] Steven faltered, swallowed, then signed the rest of Jasper's question, "[-Steven do during the fight?]"

Connie looked at him, her expression thoughtful. A moment later she drew herself up a little and said, "He contacted you guys for reinforcements. He kept an eye out for the mole's movements, warning me at a critical time about an ambush from below. Plus..." she paused a moment then looked at Jasper directly, almost challengingly, "if I hadn't swapped hearing with him, I doubt I would have been able to function during Wolf's howl attack. It seemed seriously loud, and I'm deaf."

Jasper's eyes narrowed (even as her hand scratched a spot that made Wolf's right rear leg kick) and she looked long at Steven. Turning back to Connie she asked, "Why was he hiding in a tree then?"

Steven conveyed this. "Drill Two-Thirteen," answered Connie, simply.

Miss Peridot nodded at the sensibility of whatever that meant, never taking her eyes off the techno-data of her scan on Wolf. Jasper, however, looked surprised, then glared at Steven anew.

Steven blanched under Jasper's scrutiny. Turning to Connie, he wiggled his ears, having no idea what 'Drill Two-Thirteen' meant.

Connie nodded, then reached up and wiggled one ear, their sign for, 'Will explain later.'

Miss Peridot's scanner dinged. "This makes no sense! He's simultaneously a standard _canis lupus_ , albeit to mega-fauna scale, and something completely different! He shouldn’t exist and I have no idea how he came to be."

"Any gemstone?" asked Jasper. Steven almost missed it but when Miss Peridot shook her head no, Jasper's shoulders relaxed a little.

"Can we keep him?" said Lapis airily from where she was lounging on Wolf's back.

"What?! Of course not!" barked Peridot.

Lapis sat up and said to Steven, "Tell Con-con, 'Like we practiced for the puppy.'"

Steven did this, curious but still a little shaken from the previous grilling by Jasper.

Connie looked up at Peridot, arms behind her back, eyes open wide and imploring, lip quivering a little. "Pwetty pweaaase?" she pleaded.

Peridot rolled her eyes behind her glasses. "Connie, that failed to persuade me when you were seven and it will hardly do so now."

Connie reached over to pat Wolf's head, his tail wagging at the attention. "With respect, ma'am, this is the second time Wolf has saved me: today and back at the ice castle. Steven too." Wolf's tail wagged harder, rhythmically thumping against Jasper's leg.

"Be that as it may, it would be grossly irresponsible of me to allow you to adopt such a creature. We know almost nothing about it nor do-"

"It's gotta be Citrine's," drawled Lapis, one leg draped over the other and kicking her heel while she snuggled into the shag carpet of Wolf's back.

"What?!" cried Peridot. She was followed by Connie the second Steven finished signing.

"It's a little obvious," added Jasper.

"But- How does- To what end would-" // "Why did mom make a giant yellow wolf? _How_ did mom make a giant yellow wolf?!" exclaimed Peridot and Connie concurrently.

"Heck if I know. Citrine was the boss; I just work here," mused Lapis.

"She knew what she was doing," affirmed Jasper with absolute confidence.

"Are you two seriously suggesting we allow Connie to tame an oversized terrestrial _carnivore_ because of the particular shade of its unnatural coloration?!"

Steven had withdrawn a bit of leftover food from his pack and offered it to Wolf. His hand and the length of his arm up to the shoulder was licked in response.

"Seems pretty tame to me, P-dot," answered Lapis.

"Humans have dogs that guard them," pointed out Jasper.

"Oh yeah, and service animals too,” said Steven.

Jasper raised a questioning eyebrow at him.

“Service animals are trained to help people who can't see or hear or-"

“Connie doesn’t need any of that. Just a guard dog,” stated Jasper with finality.

Seeing herself surrounded and cut off from support, Peridot made a fighting retreat. "I will agree to this only on three conditions. One: this Wolf is not to reside within the Beach House. I'll not have a vector for parasites and diseases living within Connie's dwelling. Two: Wolf is to remain in a state of adequate hygiene if he is to have _any_ interactions with Connie. Third: Neither Connie nor the Steven are to interact with this Wolf without at least one of us supervising until I am convinced of his safety. Is that understood?" she said, staring down at Steven and then, after he'd finished signing, Connie.

"Yes ma'am!" the pair said over one another.

Wolf sat up, causing Lapis to slip down his back like a furry slide, and panted happily. He then extended a massive paw to Peridot, looking at her expectantly. 

She shook the paw, though what that meant between Peridot and Wolf, Steven could only guess. Dialing back the maternal wrath, Peridot nodded at the trio, then strolled over to finally examine the bubbled gem.

"Woo!" exclaimed Connie, arms outstretched. "Best. Day. Ever!"

Wolf made a happy baying sound. Steven's face split into a wide, wide grin. His eyes nearly bugged out of their sockets when Connie threw her arms around him, his face managing a fierce blush on short notice.

Jasper's scowl deepened exactly as much as Lapis' grin widened.

Wolf padded over and nuzzled Jasper's hand. The Quartz looked down, then began scratching the animal's head, her scowl eventually turning into more of a confused squint as she looked at the pair.

* * *

Steven looked around his room, seeing if there was anything more he could add to the boxes of stuff he and his dad were taking over to Connie's tonight to help her with being deaf. He'd even written up a list of useful apps as well as configurations he'd put on his phone. Honestly, his room looked a little strange with some of the devices taken down: he had been living in this house for eight months but but he'd had some of these things for years and years.

Connie had offered to swap out her stuff with his, kind of like what they'd do with their sandwiches. That helped.

Steven smiled but then he thought about the sandwiches made him think of the picnic which made him think about all the crazy monster stuff which made him think of the numerous times he had cowered while Connie saved his butt.

_He contacted you guys for reinforcements. He kept an eye out for the mole's movements, warning me at a critical time about an ambush from below. Plus, if I hadn't swapped hearing with him, I doubt I would have been able to function during Wolf's howl attack._

When he'd reminded her about that Drill Two-Thirteen thing, she'd signed back (because Jasper was in earshot), "[It's about protecting someone important during an ambush.]" Then she'd scratched the back of her neck and changed the subject.

Given his Cowardly Lion routine today, he had to assume _important_ really meant _helpless_.

"Hey Shtu-ball?" shouted his dad from the base of the stairs. "Connie got a dog, right? I've got some old pet carriers. You think they'd want it?"

"Uh, how big are they, dad?"

"All sizes, kiddo. Chihuahua up to Great Dane."

Steven blinked. "You had a Great Dane?"

"Eh, I’d like to think of myself as someone who would have a Great Dane... eventually."

"Thanks, dad, but I don't think that's gonna do it."

There was a whistle from below. His dad walked up the stairs and appeared around the door frame of his room. "Wow. Is she gonna ride the thing?" he said with a chuckle.

Steven laughed and then stopped as he considered it.

His dad picked up one of the boxes of accessibility accessories, Steven grabbing the other. They made their way down the stairs and to the van.

 _At least it was a really good day for Connie,_ he thought a tad morose. That helped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The art for this chapter came from BurdenKing. Also from BurdenKing, in case you missed it last week, is this polished model pic for Citrine's Shield (or the 'Citrine Aegis' as Peridot calls it). The shield is a metal buckler and therefore fairly small. It is able to sustain a force field to expand the protective coverage and both the size and shape of the field can be adjusted.  
>   
> Top-left: The shield from the front.  
> Top-right: The shield on edge (love the details on the bas-relief lotus)  
> Middle-left: The shield in its default configuration.  
> Bottom-left: A composite image of the shield's field in different configurations, ranging from starburst, assorted lengths, and even tower shield.  
> Bottom-right: Steven and Connie for scale.
> 
> [Drill Two-Thirteen](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1S-3VTvii9R8MeV7l1U1Sh0l3JqVnM8vVwuSz7qmlQQk/edit#heading=h.ht6rsp4mdwbs) was introduced back in Episode 3 during the fight against the worm monster. It goes:
>
>> Drill Two-Thirteen: ambush by an unknown enemy. First, assess surroundings, looking for threats and possible avenues for escape. Second, retreat with all due caution to a safe location and await reinforcements, unless there is an asset too valuable to leave behind. If so, third, fight decisively and with all the resources at your disposal.
> 
> Connie said ‘important’ instead of ‘too valuable’ to Steven, perhaps because she was embarrassed. Jasper, however, knew exactly what it meant when Connie said it to her.
> 
> * * *
> 
> This brings us to the conclusion of _Steven’s Picnic Delivery Service_. However, we have some **special, canon content coming out next week** that will bridge Ep17 and Ep18. Expect it on Wednesday the 31st, and then tune in Wednesday the 7th for the start of **Episode 18: Citrine’s Sanctuary**.
>
>>   
>  The gems want to take Connie to a special place her mother would go to recover: Citrine’s Sanctuary, a place so peaceful violence is literally unthinkable. Given that this is as safe a mission as could possibly exist, they’ve agreed to bring Steven along so he can act as Connie’s interpreter.
> 
>   
> A _bunch_ of new content (omake and otherwise) has popped up:  
>  *) [Episode 2, Chapter 2: Water Hazards](http://archiveofourown.org/works/9559703/chapters/22189415) has been rewritten by [br42](http://archiveofourown.org/users/br42/pseuds/br42). The prose have been polished to better match our later style and quality; it’s an extremely important chapter so consider giving it another readthrough.  
> *) [G.E.M. 001](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/30870978) by [BurdenKing](http://archiveofourown.org/users/BurdenKing/pseuds/BurdenKing) \- The secret government file on 001, a.k.a. Citrine a.k.a. Connie.  
> *) [Veni, Vidi, Connie](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/30871326) by [Wierdkid20](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Wierdkid20/pseuds/Wierdkid20) \- Earth receives some unexpected visitors.  
> *) [Universe Family Home Layout](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_WJRaACk72OfIrwGIVuWSSLaEXtDt7uRqLlTm_mBqnQ/edit?usp=sharing) by [br42](http://archiveofourown.org/users/br42/pseuds/br42) \- A reference document detailing the layout of the Universe Instrument Shop, School of Musical Instruction, Recording Studio, and family home.  
> *) [Subplots, Running Jokes, and Nicknames Log](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1S-3VTvii9R8MeV7l1U1Sh0l3JqVnM8vVwuSz7qmlQQk/edit?usp=sharing) by [br42](http://archiveofourown.org/users/br42/pseuds/br42) \- A reference document filled with information about Connie Swap’s subplots and characters.  
> 
> 
> * * *
> 
> If you have a Connie Swap story burning in your soul that you want to see in our official, curated Omake collection, drop us a comment either in the Omake fic or here in the main fic and we'll get in touch.
> 
> Connie Swap has an official Discord for the fans. [Come check it out.](https://discord.gg/RQMDdhr)
> 
> As usual, we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and your asks at the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/). Thanks for reading!


	3. Wolf Days of Summer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After you finish reading this chapter, there is a related omake story you might want to check out:  
> [Deleted Scenes - Episode 17: Steven’s Picnic Delivery Service](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/31042107) by [br42](http://archiveofourown.org/users/br42/pseuds/br42) \- Connie and Lapis narrate Wolf’s morning visit to the boardwalk.
> 
> * * *
> 
> BR42 here. Connie Swap has updated every single Wednesday since I joined the Team but the main fic has been on an every-other-week schedule for some time now. So what’s this off-schedule, two-chapter (plus omake) update about? Well, it’s here for two reasons. The first is because we had so much fun writing Wolf-related stuff that our hijinks in Skype kind of spilled over into a doc which then became the seed that would grow into _Wolf Days of Summer_. 
> 
> The second is because of timing. See, Ep18 ( _Citrine’s Sanctuary_ ) isn’t going to leave a lot of room for silly Wolf vignettes, nor would it give Doug’s subplot much room to breathe. Having Wolf join the cast proper and _not_ giving him a chance to cute/goof it up all over the place would be a crying shame. Doubly so since _Loud and Clear_ was meant to be a tonal low-point for Connie that the story is now in the process of recovering from. And rather than delay Ep18 another week or two to have this update, I decided to barrel on and release it during the ‘off’ week instead, delivering Ep18Ch1 on Feb. 7th as originally promised. We’re really excited for what’s coming in that episode and beyond, so this is for our benefit as much as for our many, fine readers.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this silly slice of canon, as well as the Doug POV chapter that follows.

**Enter the Wolf**

Connie was sitting on the couch, a lap desk in position so she could lean back while making progress on her homework. Despite her best efforts, the novel she and Jasper were reading together, _The Black Company_ , was calling her name. It was tempting both as a more-fun alternative to physics equations and because it did a better job of letting her take her mind off of Wolf begging to come in from outside.

A glance confirmed that the large hound had his snout pressed up against the glass by the window seat. She'd played with the animal almost nonstop for two days straight and Peridot had finally put her gravity connector down with regards to Connie's slipping academic schedule. And since Wolf wasn't allowed in the Beach House...

He noticed Connie's attention and began wagging his giant yellow tail. Connie's mind helpfully provided the whining sound she assumed he was making. She pursed her lips, summoning the willpower to break eye contact with his enormous puppy pout.

There was a flash of light and Lapis stepped off of the warp pad. She waved to and received a wave from Connie. The Blue gem glanced over and noticed the yellow eclipse at her favorite window. With casual disregard for Peridot's ironclad rules, she walked over and opened the door, ushering the animal inside.

"Lapis! You could get me and Wolf in trou~ble," she said, lilting her voice up in the middle of the last word.

Lapis scratched Wolf's ears then used shapeshifting to make her eyes bigger so she could roll them more dramatically at Connie.

"Fine, but if Peridot comes in here, I'm blaming you."

Lapis blew Connie a kiss and then turned her attention back to Wolf.

...Later...

"No, Wolf. No getting up on the couch," commanded Connie. She'd finished her physics homework and moved on to her dual history assignments: the first about the U.S. revolutionary war and the second about the gem-equivalent against Homeworld. Lapis having flitted off to do something else half an hour ago, Wolf had inched ever closer until he loomed over Connie, begging for a spot on the couch.

Peridot had yet to appear and chase the animal outside but Connie knew her plausible deniability would be shot if the technician caught Wolf lounging beside her on the couch.

Wolf stepped up the begging, expressive eyes pleading like he were a hungry urchin from a Dickens novel.

Connie glanced around to make doubly sure no one else was present. "Okay, Wolf, but just for five minutes."

Wolf gave a bark that Connie felt, a bark she was pretty sure rattled the windows. She shushed him as she scooted over to make room for his yellow bulk.

...Later...

Jasper and Connie were both situated on the couch, both reading their respective copies of _The Black Company_. Wolf was splayed across both of them, his heavy haunches resting in Jasper's large lap while his comparatively smaller head was engulfing Connie's much smaller lap. Both ends of the pooch were getting slow scratches while the Warriors of Literacy read.

Connie wasn't sure if she'd always had this vivid of a mental soundtrack to her reading, 'hearing' the characters and scenes thereof, or if it was a side effect of her deafness, but whichever it was she was really getting sucked in to her book. When motion over the top of her novel caught her eye, she was pretty sure in retrospect that it had taken several minutes for her to notice Peridot pacing up and down the length of the living room. The gem was gesturing broadly with her limb enhancers and lecturing.

Jasper said something, the warrior's deep voice causing the couch to rumble just enough for Connie to feel it through her back and seat. Peridot said something else, this time prompting Wolf to raise his large head up to stare at her in response.

More lecturing. More stares.

Unsympathetic force met imploring object.

...Later...

Connie, Jasper, and Peridot were all situated on the couch, Wolf sprawled across all three. The hound had his eyes rolled back in pure bliss as six-or-so floating fingers gave him the optimal tummy rub.

On the floor below, the ersatz robonoid Wally was, according to Peridot, broadcasting a similar level of satisfaction as it rounded up every errant, golden hair.

* * *

**Let Sopping Dogs Lie**

Peridot looked up from the where she was building the latest in a line of ear enhancers for Connie. Hopefully this newest incarnation would be immune to the as yet unknown cause of the previous ones’ failure... but that would have to wait. Floating fingers swiftly deposited her tools in their appointed locations as she opened the alert: a change in Wally's telemetry indicated there was a moisture build up in the Beach House.

A quick check of those atmospheric sensors local to the temple indicated precipitation. A leak, perhaps?

Peridot entered the terrestrial dwelling to see Lapis at the window seat, rain striking the glass behind her, while bare blue feet were propped up on Connie's cadmium-colored canid. A pool of water extended out from the animal like a miniature moat, a barrier her ersatz robonoid was slowly siphoning up while broadcasting its alert.

"Lapis! Why is that oversized canine lying inside the house?! And why is it being allowed to slowly terraform this dwelling into a wading pool?"

Lapis looked up from her fictional report about Japanese hair stylists. "Oh, hey P-pod. It's raining outside and Wolfy here looked at me with the biggest puppy dog pout I've ever seen."

"Laz, Wolf is literally the biggest dog on this planet; his bulk is very nearly a rebuke of the square-cube law as it is. He couldn't _not_ give you the biggest such pout."

"I had no choice, Dot," objected the single most powerful being on this entire wet rock.

Peridot's vision spheres were briefly obscured as she buried her face in her hand-equivalent. A few superfluous but calming respirations later and Peridot could face her colleague once more.

"Very well. But why then didn't you remove the excess water from the animal after you allowed him inside?"

"He howls when I do it. I think it weirds him out or something, and that's really freakin' loud indoors. Plus," and she leaned back a little, reclining as she crossed one cerulean ankle over the other, "lazy."

"Gnyaaah!"

* * *

**Walking the Quartz**

After yesterday's shower, the weather today was perfect. A pristine day where fluffy clouds floated through a sunny sky which all served to turn the ocean into a sparkling, dappled tapestry of blue. It was so nice that Connie felt compelled to hang out on the porch, ostensibly to read but mainly to bask in the daylight and idly contemplate what she and Steven might get up to once her friend arrived.

It was while she was weighing the merits of kite flying versus sand castle building that the porch shook, the wood trembling like there'd been a nearby meteor impact or something. Connie sprung to her feet and whipped her head around trying to spot the monster or natural disaster responsible. She glimpsed the blur of motion from a white-orange missile hurtling toward the cliff a moment before she felt another tremble.

The spindashing form of Jasper rocketed out from the cliff face a quarter mile down the beach. She landed with a spray of sand and was an instant later grappling Wolf. The giant canine attempted to lunge forward, hoping to pin his bipedal opponent beneath his yellow bulk, but Jasper turned the move into a suplex and slammed him upside down into the sand.

Connie ran inside, swiping the set of binoculars that Lapis had near her window seat. The gem claimed it was for bird watching, but Connie knew her guardian enjoyed, as she called it, 'MST3K-ing while the townies gab.' Running back to the porch, she took up position at the patio's railing.

Wolf was back on his feet, barking at Jasper. Each bark carried a shockwave visible from the way its leading edge disturbed the sand. Jasper made a rolling dive aside and the boulder she was standing in front of cracked, fist-sized chunks breaking off.

Seemingly unable to get past the hound's ranged assault, Jasper summoned her crash helmet and dove headlong through a shockwave. Wolf had been panting happily between barks but looked suddenly baffled as an orange freight train crashed through his projectile and into his shoulder. The two toppled end over end as the whole thing devolved into a hectic melee.

A hand on her shoulder alerted Connie that someone was behind her. She glanced over to see Steven standing there wide-eyed. "Hi Steven. Beautiful day, isn't it?"

Steven nodded numbly, then pointed. Connie looked back. Jasper had Wolf by the hind legs and was spinning like an Olympic hammer thrower. Two turns-worth of windup and Jasper released, sending Wolf hurtling in a parabolic arc that would put the dog in the drink about a thousand feet or so from the shoreline. Jasper had a wide smile as she brushed debris from her form and watched her opponent soar.

Wolf twisted around mid-flight and barked back at the beach. Just then a swirling vortex opened up under Jasper's feet, the warrior plummeting into it, unable to do more than looked shocked as she vanished. At about the same time Wolf landed in the water with a mighty splash, a companion vortex opened nearby at ocean-level that dropped a bewildered Jasper in alongside him.

Wolf surfaced a moment later, panting happily as he doggy paddled back towards shore. Jasper could be seen as an orange smudge making steady progress walking along the bottom.

"[What the heck was that?!]" signed Steven, mouth gaping.

Connie tried unsuccessfully to appear serious, a grin lighting up her face as she said, "Jasper taking Wolf for a walk."

"So," she said, walking past the awestruck teen to return Lapis' binoculars, "how do you feel about kite flying?"

...Later...

"No. Or, to put it in your vernacular, 'You shall not pass.'"

Peridot stood just inside the screen door, limb enhancers akimbo and scowling at the soaked pair: the canine and the Quartz were dripping gallons on the porch from their fur and mane, respectively.

Wolf looked at Peridot, all lupine smiles, and cocked his head to the side.

Peridot took that as an inquiry. "Yes, that includes you. I may have granted you clemency with regards to the Beach House proper, but I will not have a repeat of the aromatic assault that was yesterday's wet dog debacle."

Wolf perked his ears up then shook his coat vigorously, slinging sandy water everywhere.

Jasper, who had been standing at ground zero and was thus utterly shellacked, gave the hound a playful shove that sent the poofed-out Wolf staggering a few steps back. Jasper then spindashed in place, her entire body becoming a blur as brine as well as the seaweed she'd dredged up in her trek to the surface was sprayed in every direction at considerable speed.

Wolf gave a bark of appreciation, a deep thing that rattled the Beach House windows, then padded over and playfully rammed his head against Jasper's hip. Things devolved into a light-hearted melee between the pair.

Peridot, meanwhile, saw the skirmish unfold through a screen door splattered with kelp like a Jackson Pollock painting. Behind her was a silhouette of dryness surrounded on all sides by a dripping layer of seawater. The gem herself was standing in shocked silence as automated functions engaged, floating fingers squeegeeing her as best they could.

* * *

**Revolving Dog**

Jasper stepped off the warp pad to find Connie's guard dog inside the Beach House and pawing at the screen door. It looked at her, whimpering in a manner most undignified for so large a beast. Frankly, Jasper was surprised it didn't simply tear through the screen, door, or both; that particular part of the Beach House had been rebuilt and replaced enough she suspected Peridot had a dozen more stored within easy access.

Jasper strode over, opening the door and allowing the Citrine-colored animal outside.

It sniffed the air, made two clockwise turns, then pressed itself against the door, whimpering anew. Jasper narrowed her eyes fractionally then pushed the door open, admitting the guard dog once more.

Jasper had just sat down at her customary spot at the end of the couch when she noticed the guardian staring out the screen once more. She'd been reaching for her novel, a pleasant read which showed a rare appreciation for ambushing with overwhelming force, but she rose to her feet instead, striding over. _Hostiles? If I tear the door free and use it in the fight, Connie's Wolf can patrol freely afterwards,_ she thought, preparing herself for action.

The beast pawed at the door once more but Jasper was unable to perceive any threat. Wolf shared a look with her before pressing its face against the insubstantial barrier. Suppressing an eye roll, Jasper opened the door.

Connie's guardian scented the air, paced the length of the patio, then stared through the screen pleadingly. Jasper pointedly raised her novel to obscure the splash of yellow in her peripheral vision.

Lapis landed outside, boxes of... Jasper squinted, trying to recall the name of the foodstuff. A memory of Connie's Steven singing an ode to that particular food supplied the missing piece. Donuts. Lapis had donuts.

"What's that, Wolfy? Connie fell down the well?!" 

Wolf wagged its tail, head-bumped the door, then looked back at Lapis.

"Well, I guess Connie will have to get out of that well on her own then," drawled the hydrokinetic, opening the door for Wolf and then following it in herself.

The guardian was in the house for all of two seconds before it was pawing at the door again.

Lapis walked over to the counter, setting down the boxes, and biting a donut in half. She jabbed a thumb in the Citrine-colored hound's direction. "Wuf's up wiff Wolf?" she mumbled.

Jasper shrugged, not even looking up from her book.

Lapis swallowed. "No, don't get up, OJ. You're clearly very busy." She walked over to the door and let the guard dog out.

Peridot exited the temple holding the latest device meant to help defective humans hear. Jasper glanced up at Citrine's portrait, mentally reliving one of their calming sessions down at the ocean's edge. She managed to relax her grip before damaging Connie's book.

"Honestly, I come in from laboring on Connie's behalf to find the two of you consuming media and confections, wholly ignoring the request for entry not a dozen feet away." Peridot tsked at them both while a pair of floating fingers wafted over and opened the door for Wolf.

Wolf walked in, paced the length of the Beach House, and then stood once more at the door.

Jasper's situational awareness informed her that Peridot had placed the hearing device on the countertop and stood at the stove, preparing Connie's meal for the evening. The warrior reflexively squelched a spark of guilt over having demolished the previous stove attempting to do the same. It wasn't important. It was already dealt with. Everything was fine.

The whimpering reached a pitch Jasper associated with Homeworld's, and recently humanity's, low-flying aircraft. 

"I’m not getting it!" called Jasper.

"One, two, three, not-" started Lapis.

Peridot cleared her throat. A floating finger was already touching the tip of her nose, a clear sign of 'Not it.'

"Dang! Skunked by the Periberry," complained Lapis with no actual hurt in her voice and already sliding off her bar stool.

She opened the door, allowing Connie's Wolf back inside. "Pretty fast fingers, Dot. You and Jassafras set this up in advance?"

Jasper could hear the grin in Peridot's voice. She could also hear Wolf padding the length of the Beach House. "Nothing so coordinated, Laz. I have a software daemon that autonomously responds to a number of pre-identified signals strongly correlated to a round of Nose Goes."

The guardian finished its patrol of the inside and once more pawed at the door.

"Really? I gotta try that. One, two, three, not it!" called Lapis.

Sure enough, a single floating digit had leapt into position by the 't' of the word 'two.' Lapis and Peridot turned and looked at Jasper, who realized too late it wasn't just a demonstration of Peridot's overly complicated tech. With a sigh, she set her book aside, got up, and let the dog out.

Reaching over, Jasper grabbed a scabbard from where it was hanging by a hook next to the door, then used it to wedge said door open.

Wolf padded over, swiped at the scabbard until it came free and the door swung shut. It then pressed its face against the screen.

"Not it!" all three gems said at once, a floating finger leaping to the tip of Peridot's nose.

"Not it! Not it! NotItNotItNotItNotIt!" cried Lapis before giggling as seven more green fingers sprang from their tasks to crowd the middle of Peridot's face.

Wolf whimpered, prompting the final two floating fingers to zip over and push the solid, inner door shut.

* * *

**Dogbo**

Kofi glared at Wolf from inside his restaurant. Nanefua, however, finished hanging the streamers from Fish Stew Pizza's awning and hopped down from Wolf's back. She withdrew a slice of pizza from somewhere on her person and dropped it on the boardwalk for Wolf's benefit, scratching the large animal’s head as he ate.

Wolf raised a paw to shake with the diminutive woman and then continued on his way. Connie and Steven, meanwhile, were a little ways down the boardwalk waiting on a fresh basket of the bits.

All was well until Peedee, wearing his Frybo costume, shuffled dejectedly around the fry shop’s corner and into view. He stood frozen as Wolf growled at him, hackles raised. Whatever Wolf thought Frybo was, he clearly had no intention of sharing a boardwalk, or planet, with it.

It turns out Peedee had mastered slipping free of the suit in a hurry, because the fry cook had the full-body costume off in record time and had staggered clear before Wolf pounced. The mauling was neither swift nor particularly thorough as Wolf transitioned from, 'save yellow pup and treat-bearer from the monster' to 'this is the largest, salt-flavored chew toy I've ever seen' partway through.

Twice Connie or Steven moved to break up the wanton destruction only for Peedee to aggressively fend them off. Eventually Mr. Fryman came out and broke up the mascot massacre with the same technique he used to scare off gulls: bang a pan with a spatula.

"We're reaaally sorry, Mr. Fryman," explained Steven while Connie nearly nodded her head off. Wolf seemed crestfallen, but every now and again he'd lean down and chew on a bit of loose Frybo stuffing when he thought no one was looking.

Mr. Fryman ran a large hand through his gravity-defying hair. "I guess I'll have to order another one."

Peedee, still in his undershirt and shorts, jolted like he'd been shocked. "No! No, you don't have to do that!"

"Why?" asked his dad, confused.

"Why?" the boy laughed, a manic edge creeping in. "Because, uh, becaaause-" He looked at Connie and Steven pleadingly.

"Because... we can fix it?" answered Connie, trying to follow Peedee's lead. Evidently she followed wrong because Peedee was making discreet neck-slicing motions at Connie whenever his dad looked away.

"And have Wolf wear it!" exclaimed Steven.

Everyone stared at Steven. Even Wolf, head cocked sideways and mouth open, a bit of Frybo dropping to the boardwalk below.

Undeterred, Steven continued. "He'll be Dogbo and he can work off the damages. Peedee is great as Frybo, don't get me wrong, but Wolf is literally your fries' biggest fan. And he's yellow. Like fries!"

Mr. Fryman lifted his visor to scratch his brow. "Oh, uh, okay, I guess. That is, if Peedee is alright with it?"

Peedee nearly nodded his head off in his enthusiasm.

"I'll go inside and get a trash bag so we can gather up ol' Frybo's remains here for you all to do... whatever you're going to do," said Mr. Fryman before turning and walking inside, head shaking as he went.

As soon as the door to the shop swung shut Peedee dropped to his knees, arms upraised. "Deliverance!"

...Much Later...

“There you go, uh… sir? And here’s your change,” said Peedee, passing the coins and bag of fries through the ordering window. The collection of five kids in a trench coat awkwardly grabbed the change and then the food, the one on top (who was wearing forest camouflage on their face for some reason) reaching up and tipping their fedora at him. They lurched away clumsily down the boardwalk.

The sea breeze stirred his thick, blonde hair, reminding Peedee that he wasn’t encased in a coffin of foam padding anymore. It was like he had his whole life ahead of him… which, admittedly, had been true before, but now it was one that wasn’t viewed through the reverse side of a leering grin.

The mayor’s son and the Pizza twin that hung out with him were next in line. “Yo, we wanna try this new Dogbo special. Two orders. Oh, wait, three, ‘cause Gunga wants one too,” said the girl.

“Sure thing, miss,” said Peedee, shouting the order back to Ronaldo and his dad. They were running behind because his brother had spent the first hour of the shift sneaking out to film ‘The Howlander,’ also apparently known as ‘The Light Orange Revenant.’ When Peedee pointed out the obvious, that Wolf was yellow, Ronaldo just tsked and countered, “Only on the outside.” Fortunately dad had stepped in, keeping his brother on task as much as helping out directly.

While they waited for the fries, Peedee said to his customers, “Didn’t I see your grandma using Wolf as a step stool or something the other day?”

“Yup,” said the twin, popping the ‘p’ and grinning. “She says she’s glad he’s advancing his career.”

“If a step ladder is moving up in the world, what is it climbing?” deadpanned the man behind the mirrored shades.

Fortunately the order came up, sparing Peedee from having to answer the man’s zen brain teaser or whatever it was.

With the coast momentarily clear, Peedee stepped away from the window, grabbing a basket of fries and a large bottle of water. He walked out and around the building to see Wolf, no, Dogbo, chasing gulls up and down the boardwalk, his costume flopping as he ran. Spotting Peedee, Connie’s guard wolf or whatever it was turned and padded over, panting happily. 

Peedee couldn’t help but smile back. “Here ya go, Wolf.” He set the basket of fries in the shade of the fry shop. Wolf hurriedly lowered his head to, well, wolf the food down. Peedee filled up a large water dish placed nearby as well. 

He knew from firsthand experience just how hot and stuffy that suit could be.

While Wolf was determinedly finding and licking up every particle of salt and potato left, Peedee scratched the big animal’s noggin. He felt something strange then, an unfamiliar aching sensation under his eyes. It took him a moment to realize it was his long-neglected smiling muscles finally getting some exercise.

Peedee drew in a deep breath and walked back toward his post. Life was good. Maybe he’d even cut Steven, Jeff, and Connie some slack at the _Lutes and Loot_ table tonight. If nothing else, he was done with all the cloth golems. And food golems. All the golems, really. In fact, the ranger Carella Serpenthelm was high enough level to attract an animal companion and Peedee had just the idea for what he’d send her way.

* * *

**Riding the ~~Lightning~~ Lupine**

Connie and Steven peered over the counter, silently watching as their target lounged on the couch, belly facing the ceiling as rumbling snores escaped his yellow form. With everyone having well and truly given up on trying to keep Wolf out of the Beach House or off of the couch, the animal had taken it up a notch by retrieving Connie’s blanket and draping it over himself before rolling over and snoozing. It was an impressive, and boundary-pushing, display of intelligence.

Unconscious kicks shook the couch as the canine growled, mumbling out a bark as some figment gave his sleeping self the slip.

“[Aww, he’s dreaming,]” Steven signed, the teen wearing a headband with a photograph of the kitchen behind him attached to the front of it. He and Connie had prepared very specific camouflage for this operation.

“Focus, Steven, our mission still stands. Do you have the package?” Connie asked in a whisper, bringing her friend to task. She smiled as Steven lifted up a tupperware container of roast pork.

“[Yup, top quality for our target. He won’t be able to resist,]” Steven signed, smiling as he got ready to begin the operation. Silently the two waited, Connie counting down from five on her fingers. When she hit zero she motioned forward and Steven opened the tupperware container, leaned over the countertop, and carefully poured the contents into the large doggie dish labeled ‘Wolf’ they’d situated below.

Steven had practiced this maneuver at home using a large, damp sponge in place of the pork. It appeared the drills had paid off because only a few drops of juice splashed over the bowl’s side. He dived back behind the counter, miming a high five with Connie before both carefully positioned themselves so that only their kitchen camo and tiny holes for their eyes were visible from the couch.

At first, Wolf simply sniffed and had more sleep-kicks, presumably chasing some kind of roast pork animal across his dreamscape. Then his eyes snapped open, large pupils dilating to the light of the Beach House’s interior. He rolled over onto his stomach, shaking the blanket free and sniffing the air intently.

He hopped off the couch, head down, tracking the aroma as he crossed the living room. When he reached the dish Wolf didn’t even stop to look at its contents, simply burying his face into the pork as he began inhaling it, pushing the bowl across the floor until it butted up against the kitchen counter.

“Target has taken the bait! Engage!” Connie said, vaulting the counter and landing on Wolf’s back with an exuberant smile. Steven tried to vault over as well but after the second failed attempt he decided to walk around the counter instead. Climbing up on one of the bar stools, he gently mounted the hulking Wolf. An instant later and his smile was every bit as wide as Connie’s.

After a moment of upraised arms and cheers of triumph, Steven looked down and around, then turned to Connie and signed, “[Now what?]” Wolf, meanwhile, was busy licking up any stray bits of juice or meat that had managed to escape him.

Connie’s mouth narrowed. She gave a firm but gentle tug on the fur where Wolf’s neck met his shoulders. She lightly jabbed his rib cage with her heels as though spurring on a horse. After a few calls of, “Hya!” and “Giddyup!” met with no more success, she turned to Steven and shrugged. “I don’t know. To be honest, I didn’t actually think we’d make it this far.”

Wolf had nosed the bowl aside and finished stripping the top two layers of wood of any and all trace pork and pork-like elements. Wally itself would be hard-pressed to do a more thorough job. Suddenly Wolf’s ears twitched and his head shot up to look toward the temple door. Connie and Steven shared a confused look.

A moment later the magical door opened onto a dimly lit expanse of lava flows, tools, and piles of clutter. Peridot stood in the doorway, face hidden behind a series of print outs. “Steven? Please inform Connie that the final round of quality and calibration checks have come back green, so the latest ear enhancers are ready for-” Peridot stopped, locking eyes with Wolf as she froze.

There was silence between the gem and the wolf as Connie and Steven watched astride the latter, guilt and uncertainty flitting across their faces. Then the massive canine’s tail began to wag, making a sound like a batter making test swings before approaching the plate.

Peridot’s face seemed to pale, the gem dropping the papers and taking a hesitant step back. “By the stars, no…” Another second passed before she took off in a sprint back toward the temple interior.

Wolf made a house-shaking bark before giving chase, Steven and Connie spilling off his back and toppling to the floor with a collective yelp. Tongue lolling out the side of his mouth, Wolf charged the temple door, slipping through with centimeters to spare. The sounds of things crashing as well as the first half of a bark could be heard before the door sealed once more, cutting off the noise completely.

Connie picked herself off Steven and Steven picked himself off the floor, the pair rubbing a light bruise here or there while staring at the door. Steven was the first to break the spell, signing, “[Does Wolf not like miss Peridot or something?]”

Connie shook her head as she stood. “Nah, I think she’s his favorite of the gems because she gives really good belly rubs.”

Steven nodded as he was helped to his feet. That seemed sensible, after all.

Connie walked past, slipping off her camouflage headband, and heading towards the loft. “Mission concluded. Let’s go watch TV.”

Steven jogged to keep up, signing, “[Good idea! How about we pick up on the next season of _Crying Breakfast Friends_?]”

Connie nodded her agreement. She didn’t know how long this deafness of hers was going to last, but she knew it was probably her only chance to share Steven’s favorite show without having to hear twenty-two minutes of animated sobbing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s the internal model MJStudioArts whipped up way back when we were brainstorming Wolf in preparation for Ep5Ch4: _Connie’s Howling Castle_. Given that this chapter is equal parts debut and victory lap for the fluffy yellow guy, this seemed like the place to share this behind-the-scenes pic.  
> 
> 
> * * *
> 
> If you have a Connie Swap story burning in your soul that you want to see in our official, curated Omake collection, drop us a comment either in the Omake fic or here in the main fic and we'll get in touch.
> 
> Connie Swap has an official Discord for the fans. [Come check it out.](https://discord.gg/RQMDdhr)
> 
> As usual, we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and your asks at the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/). Thanks for reading!


	4. Mahes-War Council

Doug opened the kitchen window, waving a manila folder to help the smoke escape faster. He cast a glance over his shoulder at the standing ironing board a few feet back, a wisp of smoke trailing up from his nicest dress shirt.

 _Formerly nicest,_ he amended sourly, rummaging about for the air freshener. _When Pri suggested I learn more recipes, I somehow doubt 'sautéed shirt' was what she had in mind. I just hope the smell is out of the apartment before Connie gets here._

By the time Doug heard Connie's voice wafting through his open kitchen window, the apartment smelled more like aerosolized pine than carbonized sleeve... or so he hoped. He turned off the oscillating fan he'd setup and moved it out of the middle of the kitchen.

"No Wolf. Stay. Staaay. Good boy." There was a deep bark followed by, "Thanks Steven, though if you're not careful your pocket is going to smell like dog treats and then he'll never stop following you."

 _Oh, I guess Steven got a dog. That was nice of him to walk Connie over here,_ thought Doug. _Maybe that was why Connie was asking about dog stuff a while back: her friend must have adopted a stray. Actually, a dog is probably a good idea for him given the town he lives in._

There was the sound of footsteps on the stairwell and Doug walked over to the door in anticipation. At the knock, he swung the door opened and was surprised to see Steven standing at the threshold, Connie a little ways back, almost hiding behind the boy's bulk.

Doug was nonplussed but tried not to show it. "Hello Steven. Hey-" he started to say 'cute lass' but managed to catch himself. His daughter probably wouldn't appreciate being called such a cutesy name in front of her friend. "-kiddo," he finished instead. He invited the pair in with a gesture, still wondering why Steven was tagging along for a father-daughter conversation.

Two steps in and Connie sniffed the air. "Did something burn in here?"

Doug grimaced. _So much for Operation Ventilation._ Turning to Connie, Doug gave a self-deprecating chuckle and said, "You may as well leave the door open; my iron thinks I don't have enough fiber in my diet, so it cooked one of my shirts earlier."

Connie stared at him for a moment longer, no response to the admittedly weak joke, then looked at Steven. The boy began to sign at her and a moment later flashed Doug a meager smile. Steven propped open the door.

_Whaaat is this about?_

Connie hurried over and sat down at the dinner table, Steven pulling up a seat nearby. Doug blinked, then decided to roll with it, sitting down opposite his daughter.

There was a pregnant pause while Connie seemed to be working up the nerve to say something. Doug tried to mentally brace himself for what was coming... despite having absolutely no idea what it would be.

"Dad, I- So, the other week Steven and I were having a picnic on Lighthouse Park and- Um, you may notice that Steven isn't wearing his-"

Doug's inner panic strained against his self-control like a spooked horse against its bridle. This redoubled when Steven reached under the table to give his daughter's hand an encouraging squeeze.

Connie shot Steven a grateful look, took a deep breath, then locked eyes with Doug. "Dad, I'm pregnant."

Doug’s world lurched sideways and blood pulsed in his ears. Then her _actual_ words penetrated --“Dad, I’m deaf”-- and he felt an intense wave of relief. That was followed close on its heals by icy confusion settling into his gut.

He had no idea what his face must have looked like during all of that, but judging from Steven and Connie's expressions, it hadn't been pretty.

_Come on, man. Your daughter is seriously worried about... whatever all this is. You wanted her to come to you with her problems and she is, so get your game face on and be the dad she needs you to be._

"You're deaf?" he said gormlessly.

 _Good work, dad-of-the-year,_ he heard in Lapis' trademark snark.

Steven nodded while Connie responded. "It turns out I can absorb other people's injuries and stuff. I learned this when I accidentally swapped hearing with Steven a little over a week ago."

Doug blinked. A glance confirmed that the Universe boy wasn't wearing hearing aids, and that would explain the signing from earlier. "How-" He licked his lips. "How does that work, exactly?"

Steven signed to Connie who answered, "Remember when I touched foreheads with you at the quarry? Like that, only with physical stuff transferring instead of bad vibes."

The part of him that had assumed pregnancy earlier voiced it's relief that it wasn't healing spit or something else that meant his daughter and her closest friend had been kissing. Another, less stupid part of him tried to brush all that aside so he could focus on the situation. Still another corner of him kept bringing up his move to Beach City for some reason, but he brushed that aside for the time being.

"That kinda makes sense, actually," said Doug, choosing to ignore for the moment the many, _many_ feelings he had about this revelation so that he could be more supportive for his daughter.

"It does?" asked Steven followed a moment later by the same from Connie.

 _Speak carefully, Dougie, or she may decide she's mute as well as deaf when you're around,_ his inner Lapis drawled.

"There was a time when I tried to have a more active part in the monster fighting side of your mother's life. It... didn't go particularly well."

Steven's eyes went wide. After watching his fingers, Connie looked up at Doug and asked in a quiet voice, "What happened?"

"I wound up with my leg in a cast and bruises to more than just my ego. But before the hospital visit," _and the shouting match Citrine had with the gems,_ "your mother tried to use her transfer power. It didn't work on me because people aren't made out of the same stuff as gems."

Connie looked down, running her hand along her gemstone and the flesh beside it. "Yeah, that matches up with what the gems said. I really wish I knew more about this power but everyone's too afraid to test it."

 _I should hope so!_ he agreed internally.

Steven signed something to Connie and she gave him a wan smile. The boy seemed to remember Doug was in the room at the same time Doug did of Steven, both having been focused on Connie. "Oh, sorry mister Maheswaran. That was rude of me. I was telling Connie that no one wants her getting hurt, is all."

"That's fine, Steven. I imagine this has taken some getting used to for... everyone." That seemed to cut through the worst of the tension at the table.

It was in that brief window of calm that the reality of the situation began to settle in on Doug. Connie couldn't hear him. According to Greg, Steven had been deaf since he was a baby, so would this be permanent for Connie? This Crystal Gem business had just deafened his daughter, possibly forever!

He'd spent many a sleepless night imagining the day where he learned Connie had been hurt, especially after her latest birthday. While this differed quite a bit from the tearful hospital or Beach House scenes his mind had conjured at 2am, the subject was the same.

Doug got two steps away from the table when he realized he was in motion. To cover for his sudden need for space, to think, to process all of... this, he said, "I'm going to brew some tea. Anyone want some?"

Steven relayed the message and both kids agreed. Doug fled to the kitchen as casually as he could manage.

_This is a prank. Lapis is going to pop out and start laughing at me any moment now. Right?_  
_This happened over a week ago? Why am I only just hearing about it?!_  
_Once again, I was gone when Connie needed me._  
_Wait, Steven wore hearing aids. Why the hell doesn't Connie have hearing aids already!_  
_Wasn't that around the time she said the speaker on her phone- oooh._  
_Steven shouldn't be here for this! What nerve does he have butting in on family business?_  
_Jasper has to be freaking out over this._  
_Can she give it back? Steven's a good friend to her but this is beyond the pale._  
_Where's that bottle of whiskey Frank got me for saving his bacon in that didgeridoo fiasco?_  
_That's it! No more magic, or missions, or boys! I'm taking Connie to a convent in the morning!_  
_Did the gems try that healing water?_  
_Priyanka's a surgeon. She'll know an audiologist and we'll get this fixed. I don't care the cost!_  
_I need to learn sign language! Ugh! Why did I take German in high school?!_  
_Priyanka is going to freak out over this._  
_I'm freaking out over this._  
_What am I going to do?_  
_What am I going to DO?!_  
_WHAT DO I DO?!_

He was stirring honey and lemon into the third glass of tea when the shaking of his hands got so bad, half the contents slopped over the side. _Guess that one's mine,_ he thought as he hurriedly mopped up the spill with a paper towel.

Resting with his palms flat on the counter, Doug hung his head and tried a few calming breaths on for size. Once he felt confident he could carry the tray of drinks the length of the kitchen without causing a mess, he drew himself up straight and began cudgeling his thoughts into a semblance of order.

 _Okay, panic time is on hold. Top priority is Connie. How is she and what does she need? Next, how are things with the gems? With Steven? Finally, comfort your daughter, convince her you're going to make this better, and then figure out how after she's left._ THEN _you can panic… preferably after you find Frank’s whiskey._

Doug set tea down in front of Connie and Steven, then retook his seat. Everyone took a moment to sip or blow on their drinks, no one quite ready to wade back into the conversational fray. Given her anxious expression and the way she wrapped her fingers around the mug, Doug couldn’t help but think his daughter was only a trauma blanket removed from looking like a flood victim.

Doug set his tea aside and managed to find a smile from somewhere. "How are you doing, sweetie? I see Steven has been helping." He turned to address the boy directly, saying, "Thank you for that, by the way."

Steven inspired a lot of conflicting feelings in Doug, especially now, but it was clear Connie wanted him here. In the current situation that was enough to earn the boy a measure of Doug's gratitude.

"S-sure, mister Maheswaran. Anything for Connie," Steven said while simultaneously signing for Connie's benefit. Doug smiled through the wave of opinions _that_ statement prompted.

Connie took a long sip of her tea, then set the beverage in front of her. She fidgeted with the mug so that the handle was pointed directly away from her before she met Doug's eyes. "I'm doing... better?" the word inflected into a question. 

"It was really hard at first and it still isn't easy, but Steven's been a big help." She looked over to give the boy an appreciative smile before continuing. "A week ago his dad and he brought over a bunch of accessibility items, and the Universes have had a ton of good tips for making it easier. You-" she hid behind her mug long enough to take a sip, then sat it down, once more positioning the handle perpendicular to her, "-you might want to talk with them as well."

"I certainly will. How are Peridot and the others handling things? Have they been helping? Do I need to yell at anyone on your behalf?"

 _I would, too,_ he thought with a willingness bordering on eagerness.

During one of their many long talks, Citrine had labeled that particular emotion, 'succumbing to the seductive abandon of righteousness.' He didn't have her knack for emotional eloquence and so had called it, 'distilled Jasper.' Citrine had tried not to laugh and snorted instead, a rare accomplishment for Doug that he prized to this day.

Back in the present, Steven and Connie shared a look. Both of them started to speak, stopped, then his daughter yielded to her friend by lifting her cup of tea to her lips. Steven signed as he spoke. "Sign language is basically kryptonite for the gems' universal translators, so they don't know ASL and Lapis said it'll be, like, QWOP-hard for them learn it."

Doug wasn't sure what the phrase 'QWOP-hard' meant exactly but he could infer.

Connie held the mug in both hands, her arms drawn close to her body as she added her thoughts. "We haven't found a better way to communicate other than them passing notes, but not for lack of trying. Peridot keeps trying to make me hearing aids, though none of them ever work for some reason. Lapis usually just flies off and grabs Steven," --"It's not a big deal. Honest. I just wish miss Lapis wouldn't do so many loop-de-loops on the way over to your house."-- "Jasper... gets really calm or really frustrated. We're managing though."

 _I still owe Jasper an upbraiding for that whole 'Is Priyanka worthy?' debacle,_ Doug thought sourly.

"Though mainly we've been playing with Wolf," interjected the boy. This brought a sheepish smile from Connie as well.

Doug couldn't help but chuckle. Connie may be a child literally unlike any other on the planet, she may have a life of magic and danger, she may even be reeling from being struck deaf, but no thirteen-year-old could resist the siren's song of playing with her friend's new pet.

Draining the last of his (half a) cup of tea, Doug wiped his mouth, then said, "I'm glad you two are making it work. I, uh, I'll have a word with Jasper. She'll certainly listen to me, though whether she takes the right message from the discussion is a separate matter." That statement earned Doug a probing look from Steven.

Ignoring the Universe boy for the moment, Doug looked to his daughter and said, "I'll be making you an appointment with an audiologist. I'm starting to wonder, what with the glasses issue earlier, if I've been giving Peridot too much leeway in regards to your health. If nothing else, a second opinion couldn't hurt."

 _You're just salty she tried to vote you off the island all those years ago,_ whispered his inner Lapis.

"Oh! Mom and dad know some. Ooh, and I can email Neimaat and see who she likes!" exclaimed Steven. Connie simply nodded between sips.

"And you can hear normally now?" asked Doug. He’d been slouching over his now-empty mug and when he straightened up with better posture, that prompted more jabs by a corner of his mind about his move into the apartment.

"Yeah. It's a little overwhelming sometimes, and everything still kinda sounds weird, but, like, everything is different and not different at the same time?" the boy inflecting the sentence into a question at the end. "I mean, it still feels like a superpower but it's one a lot of people have so it's not anything amazing like what Connie can do with her gemstone."

Then it clicked. Doug looked at Connie. "Did... Did you wind up with back pain after the quarry visit?"

"Yeah, actually. At first I thought it was my p- something else. Why? Did your back stop hurting around that time?"

"It did. Abruptly enough that Priyanka insisted I go through with a rheumatologist appointment she'd scheduled for me previously. It had been giving me grief ever since my move."

Father and daughter shared a look, the latter saying with a mirthless grin, "I guess I've been testing this power for a while then."

"Do the gems have an idea of how long this effect will last?" asked Doug, finally voicing the question that had been on the tip of his tongue since he'd accepted the reality of the situation: How long until my little girl is better? "It sounds like you healed from my back pain on the fast side of normal after all."

Connie watched Steven's finger and hand movements, then sat in thoughtful silence for a moment. "Peridot scans me twice a day to track my condition and so far she hasn't noticed a change. But, I mean, what does it mean to heal quickly from something that Steven was probably going to have for the rest of his life?"

_Hope. Hope that my daughter has something tucked away in that rock on her chest that'll let her survive this crazy life I can't protect her from._

Doug managed a smile that was more genuine than many of the ones that had preceded it. "I don't know, but then, no one does right now. We’ll treat this like the big deal that it is, so I'm going to go put my head together with the gems and see if we can think of something. Your mom was full of surprises and she wasn't half the wild card you're turning out to be, cute lass."

 _So much for not inflicting cutesy names on her,_ he thought a beat later.

Steven smiled, as he was wont to do, and signed for Connie, who smiled a beat later. Doug felt the warmth of paternal accomplishment start to stir within him...

...then felt it go promptly cold when the kids alternately bug-eyed and panicked. _What the-_

There was a snuffling sound behind him that was coming in at about neck-height. Doug turned in his seat so he could face the still-open door and saw a yellow dire wolf sniffing the threshold of the apartment, then raising its enormous head up to stare at him and the kids.

A part of Doug wanted to scream, spring to his feet, and backpedal away. That was the part of him that lived in what Priyanka called, "The sane part of the world." The part of him that had chased a giant woman into the night, abandoned the comfortable life his parents' had laid out for him, fought monsters (to varying degrees of regret), and had lived in the decidedly less sane world the gems inhabited, _that part_ of him took charge.

He cautiously stood while lifting his chair in front of him as a shield. "Kids, stay behind me and be prepared to dive under the table if-"

"Wolf, we told you to stay. Bad dog," rebuked Connie.

The car-sized canine wilted in front of him, huge head low. The creature backed away with a quiet belied by its bulk, looking the very picture of regret.

Doug lowered the chair slightly and turned to face the kids. Steven was signing something to Connie, who shook her head and said, "Yeah, it _was_ probably because dad said the word 'treat,' but he startled my dad and that's not cool."

 _This must be how Priyanka feels every time she visits this town,_ Doug realized with a sinking sensation in his gut. _I owe that woman such a bouquet of flowers._

Outwardly he said, "Steven's dog is a giant yellow wolf?!"

Connie must have been able to read his lips, or maybe his demeanor said plenty, because she sought no translation, opting to stare at him alongside her friend.

Steven was the first to respond. "Uh, no mister Maheswaran. Wolf is Connie's, or, like, all the gems' and he lives at the Beach House now. He's a really good magical destiny animal, though, and wouldn't have done anything wrong. Well, maybe if you had pork lying out, but he was really sorry afterwards and miss Peridot said fixing the damage caused was actually pretty easy."

"Peridot let you adopt... that?" asked Doug, trying and failing to visualize that scene.

Connie watched Steven sign and then nodded up at him. "He saved me and Steven during a random gem monster attack recently. And, uh, once before as well. He really is safe to be around."

Doug had had a couple of plans for this attempt at touching base with his daughter, but between the deafness, the presence of Steven, and now a dire wolf literally poking its head in, he recognized said plans as a lost cause. Plus, his daughter was clearly eager to leave to make sure her new pet didn't cause further trouble. 

"I trust you on this, kiddo. Let Peridot know I'll be over to talk in the morning." _Oh, and I'll need to swing by the mayor's to let him know about the furry new addition to Beach City. I wonder how he's going to spin_ that _with the tourists?_

Connie gave a relieved smile, rose from her seat, and pulled her dad into a quick hug. Neither seemed eager to break the hold first, but once they separated, Connie was moving quickly towards the door. To her and Doug's considerable surprise, Steven didn't follow.

"Do you mind if I ask you something, mister Maheswaran? Um, alone?" asked the boy.

"Uh, no, I don't suppose I do, Steven."

Steven signed something to Connie. Judging from the looks on their faces, Doug assumed it was something to the effect of, 'I'll catch up in a little bit.' His daughter, more confused than concerned, slowly stepped out, closing the door behind her. 

There was the sound of footsteps on the stairs and a bark from the ground floor soon after. With that, Doug sat back down and noticed that the boy beside him had hardly touched his drink. For his part, Steven fiddled with his mug of tea, the drink more prop than refreshment at this point.

Being the father of the girl Steven was best friends with, Doug had some reservations about the Universe boy. With his daughter elsewhere, however, Steven was just a young man in an awkward social situation, and Doug couldn't help but feel a little sympathy toward him. He decided to make this easier on the teen by not forcing him to speak first. "So, what can I do for you?"

"Miss Jasper respects you and stuff, right?" Steven asked, almost blurting out the words.

Doug nodded, even more baffled about where this conversation was going.

"And she said that you, like, defeated her in some sort of competition. Is that what you had to do to get her be to nicer to you and, if so, what, uh, what kind of competition was it, because unless it was _Magic: The Gathering_ and not fighting like gladiators then I don't think I could win that."

Doug blinked as he parsed the run-on sentence/plea. "Has Jasper been treating you poorly?" The penny dropped. "Oh, gosh, she's blaming you for Connie's hearing, isn't she? I should have- Steven, don't worry. I'll get her to back down."

Steven fidgeted with his cooling tea some more. "Actually, she's been weird around me since that week my parents were gone for great-grandma's funeral, when I stayed with Connie and miss Jasper learned my name. Though, yeah, it's clear Jasper is, um, I don't want to say ableist because it's probably just a miscommunication because she's a super rock lady who perceives the world differently or something, but she's got a lot of misconceptions surrounding that sort of thing."

Doug's expression went carefully neutral as he spoke. "Has she been nitpicking you around Connie? More passive-aggressive than her usual standoffishness?"

Steven's face lit up. "Yeah! And she was asking me one time what skills I had, if I could fight, and it felt like one of those dreams where there's a quiz you didn't study for and you have to stand in front of the class only you aren't wearing pants and, I mean, I was wearing pants in front of miss Jasper but-"

Doug stopped Steven’s ramble with a gesture, then said, “I think I get the picture." _And I don't like any part of it._ After spending a moment finding an internal compromise between conflicting drives, Doug answered, choosing his words carefully. "Steven, Jasper has a sense of protectiveness about the Crystal Gems, and when a human starts to get close to the group, she tries to vet them. She did it to me back in the day, she did it to Priyanka, and it sounds like she's doing it to you."

Steven nodded, eyes wide, hanging on his every word.

"You don't need to fight Jasper in personal combat or anything like that," and in another context Doug would have found Steven's visible relief almost comedic. "Jasper likes to think of herself as knowing what's best for the group, especially with Citrine no longer there to call the shots. She's not dumb but, as you said, she has a lot of misconceptions that can complicate matters. For now, just try not to be intimidated by her. Standing up for yourself is the best way to get her to cut you some slack. If you need an ally, Lapis will probably help you in the face of Jasper being pushy." _She did for me once upon a time._

Steven stared into space for a moment, as though trying to etch Doug's words indelibly into memory. Then his eyes left the middle distance and he looked up at Doug. "Okay, I'll try. I just want to help Connie and hanging out with the Crystal Gems is always great but I didn't really know what to do about miss Jasper. Normally people just need to talk to each other so they can realize that they’re each good people who want good things for themselves and each other, but, like, miss Jasper prefers to speak without really speaking and I don’t know how to do that."

Doug leaned forward, resting his chin on his palm as a hundred old clashes with the big, orange pain-in-the-butt flashed across his mind's eye. Distracted, unguarded, Doug said, "Yeah, I know exactly what you mean."

This prompted a chuckle from Steven that pulled Doug out of his sour reverie. "I guess we're both human beings hanging out with magical destiny ladies. Maybe we should make it a club, with badges and secret handshakes."

Not for the first time around Steven, Doug felt the conflicting urges to both commiserate with this boy and yell at him to keep his hands off his daughter. Not for the first time today, Doug wondered where Frank's whiskey had been stowed after the move.

He settled for helping Steven to his feet and saying, "It's not always easy being a human in the middle of that group. If things get worse with Jasper, let me know."

"I will. Thanks mister Maheswaran! Have a good day!" answered the boy, smiling as he hustled toward the door to rejoin Doug's daughter and her pet/Pleistocene throwback.

Doug gave a little wave goodbye to Steven. The moment the door clicked shut, he flopped down in his seat and blew out a long, tired breath. Suddenly exhausted, he added 'Help my daughter's friend (who is a boy) survive the gauntlet I went through when a magical amazon decided she didn't want me around' to his mental to-do list. 

It went right under, 'Help with daughter's (permanent?) power-based deafness' but squeezed in just over, 'Warn local authorities that daughter has a pet a few links higher on the food chain than the citizenry.'

The start of a _Queen_ medley from his phone meant Priyanka was calling. Still splayed out limply, Doug managed to retrieve his phone from his pocket and answer it in time. "Hey Pri."

There was the sound of a throat being cleared over the phone. _Oh right._ Starting again, Doug spoke in Tamil, something Priyanka had been insisting on to help her more quickly pick up the language. "[Hello girlfriend Priyanka.]"

Of course she thought he was calling her 'doctor Priyanka'. Eventually she'd figure out his subterfuge, but that was a well-deserved thrashing for another day.

"[Hello Doug. My day of hospital is ended. I'm running to your home. You are sleepy?]"

"Nāṉ uṉ vīṭṭiṟku _ōṭṭukiṟēṉ_ ," he corrected.

"Huh? What did I say?"

"'Nāṉ uṉ vīṭṭiṟkuc _celkiṟēṉ_ ,' which means you're heading here on foot. Bit of a trek all the way from Crossroads."

"Oh fine," she groused. "My shift's over and I'm heading towards the postage stamp of a town you live in. I was going to talk evening plans but you sound like it's going to be dinner in the apartment and an early bedtime."

Doug could hear the faint whoosh of air signaling that Priyanka was driving: a safety buff like Dr. Kurunthottical wouldn't call if she weren't using her hands-free phone mount, which was placed unfortunately close to the dash vents in her car. 

Doug smiled for no other reason than being happy for her presence, even if only over the phone.

"Are you there?” asked Priyanka. “I swear, if this phone drops calls like the last one, I'll be having some very sharp words with the so-called experts who recommended this model."

Doug spoke back up, as much to save some poor electronics store clerk from Priyanka's wrath as anything else. "No, I was just woolgathering. It's that or I turn my apartment upside down looking for that bottle I saved from the DelmarvaCon job."

Priyanka's (windswept) voice softened. "What's happened?"

Doug's foot tapped rhythmically against the table leg as he spoke. "Remember how my back got better all the sudden last month? It turns out Connie has the ability to transfer other people's injuries to herself and she did it on accident with me."

"What? Really?! That's- The implications of that ability are- Wait, is she okay?"

Doug chuckled mirthlessly because it wasn't just misery that loved company: confusion and daunting speculation enjoyed it too. "She got over the back ache in under a week. By the way, do you know an audiologist you'd recommend?"

His mental image of Priyanka frowned slightly at the seeming non sequitur. "One or two come to mind. Why?"

"Because last week Connie accidentally transferred her best friend's congenital deafness to herself. He can hear normally now and he's acting as her interpreter while they pal around over the summer break."

In a more dramatic world, Doug might have heard a swear, a denial, the sound of the car swerving in surprise, or at least a conveniently timed spit-take. Instead, Doug heard silence (whoosh of the air conditioner notwithstanding) as Priyanka calmly pulled off the highway and parked on the side of the road. A second later he heard the clicking of the car's hazard lights.

"Dear, this would be the perfect time for you to admit this is all a joke in very poor taste."

Doug couldn't help but smile into the phone, gallows humor and schadenfreude coming to the fore. "Nope. Also, Steven asked me for advice because it turns out Jasper is giving him the same treatment she gave me when she thought I was horning in on Citrine."

"Doug."

"And Connie was saved by and has subsequently adopted a giant, yellow wolf that's built like something from the last ice age.

"Doug!"

"And in the morning I’ll to be going over to tell the gems to go stuff their promise to Citrine and take Connie to her mother's monster-covered shrine that's floating higher in the air than the top of the Swiss Alps."

"......I'm pretty sure I saw a bottle of Dewar's single malt that had gotten mixed in with the bottles of cooking oil."

"I'll have a glass ready for you when you get here."

"Naan unnai virumpukirén," she said, switching off the hazard lights and pulling back onto the road.

"I love you too," he answered, hanging up and gathering up the tea mugs from the table.

Sure enough, there was a bottle of amber-colored liquid tucked behind the sesame oil that certainly didn't belong there. Doug grabbed that and two tumblers in anticipation of Priyanka's arrival.

* * *

“Hi dear. Now, tell me once more-” Priyanka paused, sniffing. “Did something burn in here?”

Doug muttered some choice words of Tamil into his tumbler.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This brings us to the actual, for-reals-this-time conclusion of _Steven’s Picnic Delivery Service_. Tune in Wednesday the 7th for the start of **Episode 18: Citrine’s Sanctuary**.
>
>>   
>  The gems want to take Connie to a special place her mother would go to recover: Citrine’s Sanctuary, a place so peaceful violence is literally unthinkable. Given that this is as safe a mission as could possibly exist, they’ve agreed to bring Steven along so he can act as Connie’s interpreter.
> 
>   
> 
> 
> * * *
> 
> If you have a Connie Swap story burning in your soul that you want to see in our official, curated Omake collection, drop us a comment either in the Omake fic or here in the main fic and we'll get in touch.
> 
> Connie Swap has an official Discord for the fans. [Come check it out.](https://discord.gg/RQMDdhr)
> 
> As usual, we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and your asks at the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/). Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Keeping track of all the updates to Connie Swap can get a little difficult, can't it? It doesn't have to be! If you go to the [Connie Swap Series](http://archiveofourown.org/series/630527) page and click the " **Subscribe** " button then you will receive an email alert every time a new episode is posted or a new chapter is added to _ANY_ fic in Connie Swap.
> 
> One button. All the updates.


End file.
